At least for today. I missed ya’ll. I know you been wondering where the helly I been.

For our 30th volume I thought I’d pop outside (with that sauce, spaghetti) and share a few things that’ve been on my mind. Maybe more than a few, I’m likely to be long winded like Cory Booker’s filibuster…let me cook though:

RIP YOUNG SCOOTER

Last week, legendary Atlanta rapper Young Scooter died on his birthday… a phenomenon we’ve discussed previously in Vol 15 below.

Scooter was an alleged victim of swatting– a catfish reality tv contestant called the police and named every crime possible to get the law over to where Scooter was celebrating his life. When the police arrived, Scooter allegedly fled…and according to the cops tore some important artery in his leg and bled out.

However the skreets have been talking & allegedly Patron Saint of Rap, Future paid for an independent autopsy which found that Scooter (nicknamed Street) died of a gunshot wound…presumably fired by the Atlanta police. Damn.

Like plenty of law abiding millennials, I’m a fan of Scooter whose hit song “Colombia” came out when I was in college. His matter-of-fact trap raps helped me on many late nights in the library as I was cooking up my own form of illicit substance…collegiate essays.

There ought to be a study on how drug dealing raps can be utilized to inspire anyone who has to work really hard at something. Selling drugs is just like selling anything else— which is essentially what we’re all doing in this capitalist society, to make a buck.

We will miss you, Scooter.

YOUNG THUG TELLS IT LIKE IT IS

The tweet shared above from Atlanta rapper Young Thug was one of many in recent days that have gone viral. Thug, who accepted a plea deal to a fraudulent RICO charge brought upon him by the state of Georgia, is on probation for the next 15 years.

Thug tweeted out a picture of “gang investigator” Marissa Viverito with some choice words, along with retweeting other colorful statements about the woman. Fans went on to dox her and her parent’s addresses in the comments, which I can admit is too much. But the fans did it…not Thug!

The State quickly tried to file a motion to revoke his probation to which his lawyer, Brian Steel (king) responded swiftly with great case law receipts and concise, smooth verbiage. And ultimately the Judge Paige Whitaker denied the revocation of probation. Thug should take it easy on the tweets.

But what’s Thug’s issue with Viverito…you ask? Other than her building a case & testifying against him (and possibly other rappers like Lil Baby) … she’s also linked to his stolen (?) pink Richard Mille watch which was taken in a raid. Viverito was seen on her body cam holding the watch, which is now “missing.”

Thug has opened a civil case for this missing items… and we shall see what will come of that. The watch is estimated to be worth over a million American dollars.

DRAKE IS NOT LIKE US, HE’S WEALTHY

Speaking of money…nearly a week ago Drake dropped his music video for his new song “Nokia.”

After watching, I only had one thought… “this man is rich!” Recession where? The video was shot on IMAX film, which is the highest quality image format out & super expensive… something like $2,000 per minute just to develop… only for most people to watch it on their phone!

You also know he spent a lot of money because IMAX let him remix their logo to include his OVO owl in the open. Brands are usually very precious about this type of stuff.

Then, the set design was crazy and I’m sure pretty costly. Like this 3 volume walled corridor with an active game of Nokia’s Snake. Cute.

But maybe more expensive than that was the 50 foot blimp, Chrome Hearts welding helmet, boat and monster truck? However as we know…the irony of being rich is people give you free shit. He probably got to borrow the Chrome stuff pro bono

To me the true cost came in the dancers. 40 Caribana girlies in costume as well as 60 other dancers choreographed by icon Tanisha Scott. Choreographers x Dancers x Rehearsals x Costumes = not cheap, truss me daddy.

The best part of this whole thing is that the producer he sampled on the song… Elkan, bought his mom a new car!

The internet however was not impressed. They were furious that the video wasn’t colorful and cheesy. The B&W to me makes it a flex, and low key classic. Only a rich person will spend this much money on a video to make it black & white… just like he is.

CAN’T SPELL “AN IDIOT” WITHOUT AI

Plus, I bet you most of the people who didn’t like the video spent the last week using and exuberant amount of electricity to make fake AI generated Studio Ghibli images. Their opinions don’t matter. Our kooky ass White House is tweeting these images too. That should automatically let you know this shit is wack.

But don’t take my word for it. Studio Ghibli co- founder Hayao Miyazaki is on record calling AI art trash in 2016. He said he was utterly disgusted by it.

I couldn’t agree more big dog. But AI is here, so I’m not sure what we should do. I kind of feel like Lucille Ball and the conveyor belt

I’m okay with that though. You gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything. Can AI generate me a fuck to give? Cause I’m out of em.

I’m standing on this, I’m a writer who writes by herself… I don’t need help from a machine to generate thoughts. My brain still works.

As for everyone else… I’m not so sure. Miyazaki ponders if AI marks the end of humankind:

I don’t want to be that pessimistic. So today I wrote Baddie5000— to show up. To prove I have faith in myself— it is not lost. If you made it this far down the post without using ChatGPT to summarize it… then I have faith in you too.

Thanks for reading — feel free to

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I am around in places, if you know where to find me. Despite the heat, I’ve been cooling… mostly sticking and moving 

I released this at night because that’s when I finished it.

Plus, I can’t be so conceited to think that after all this time… I’d still have your full attention in the sunny afternoon hours… on your last free day to yourself before Monday.

But remember - every day is your own, no matter who or what else occupies it.

JUNETEENTH 

The Tuesday prior had felt like a Friday, and Juneteenth itself felt like a Saturday… despite it actually falling on a Wednesday this year. We should’ve just had the whole week off.

And some of us should get reparations and perhaps others of us be forced to work. We spoke about this before in

volume 10

BIBLE STUDY

But you know who was (spitefully) working on Wednesday, the Governor of Louisiana…as he should (kinda).

Gov Jeff Landry signed some shit demanding classrooms to display the 10 Commandments. People are mad about this, I’m just happy it wasn’t the 2nd Amendment!

If they’re trying to reach the youth they need to post on Tik Tok, or hide it in some baggy pants.

Ten Commandments the film, however, should be required watching in all classrooms, as it’s simply cinematic gold.

Speaking of Louisiana… New Orleans mogul, Birdman went viral this week after speaking to a group of prisoners who asked for books. He scoffed at them.

He asked “do think reading books gon [na help you?]”

That sounds like something that somebody who doesn’t read, would say.  

ERIC ADAMS IS STILL SLOW

On the topic of the anti reading establishment, your mayor Eric Adams is still cutting budgets. It’s getting so bad that the New York Public Library is on X acting up: talking in caps lock, annotating memes and shit:

But that’s not all of Adam’s recent foolishness.

When asked about New Yorkers who are concerned with his budget… Adams said they should “meditate and eat a green smoothie.” 🤦🏿‍♀️

In a throwback Thursday esque fashion let’s quickly address his wacky appearance last month on Drink Champs:

It was foolish behavior to fly to Miami to sound stupid on a “hip hop podcast,” while the city rots and fizzles. But you reap what you sow — and so, some queen on his plane home got him together, thankfully:

On Thursday June 20th we had our official start to summer thanks to the equinox… but it’s been super hot all week.

So city opened cooling centers on Monday…but yet closed them down for 1 (very hot) day on Juneteenth, due to the holiday? Feels backhanded.

ICE SPICE’S COOL, MELTING

This past Friday, Ice Spice released a pretty lackluster video for “Phat Butt,”

The song sucks too, so did her last one but the video was way better.

At the very least the bad “Phat Butt” video marries nicely with her terrible album cover

shot by David La Chapelle who also shot a terrible album cover for Megan The Stallion..who cannot decide if she’s a horse, butterfly or a snake.

But we can be whatever we want to be in 2024. 

In fact, we can even release alternate covers after the internet ridicules our first ones…which both ladies did:

Ice’s alt cover felt like a small call back to the City Girls’ RAW cover, which we already decided was tragic the last time we spoke in volume 28. 

Are things starting to cool down for the Gen Z ice princess from the Bronx? At least someone’s getting some heat relief.

One of the best parts of the song is the awkward soliloquy about once taking the 4 train & now being 4 times Grammy nominated. Cute.

However yet the 4 train on the alt album cover is RED? That’s not it.

Maybe I’m too literal but in this day and time, I’ve found it critical to say exactly what I mean & mean exactly what I say – just cause… principle. 

KEN N FRIENDS

I would’ve liked to end things where I started, talking about the Juneteenth concert Kendrick had but I’m running out of characters and care.

It was a good show, stream it on Amazon. I’m sure Drake watched it with a heavy heart and pocketbook.

The merch was kinda corny except the New Ho King shirt. But I still would never wear that.

Anyway, at the concert everyone on stage was from the West Coast and that was nice and good for the gang communities.

You know who else is from LA? Cherelle from “Saturday Love” * 

*That really doesn’t have anything to do anything- yet has everything to do with everything- I just need to keep my day of the week references flowing in order… did you catch those throughout? 🤓

Anyway- Sometimes you gotta pop out and show subscribers… even if just a slice, like I just did on this fine Sunday. 

Thank you for making it this far down in the letter. Make some noise for yourself. 

Now make some noise for me: 

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I was going to write “hi Baddie Gang,” but with all these RICOs being handed out like peppermints from church-going grandmothers, I refrained.

In order to be hit with a RICO you have to be making some form of money and as your lucky ass knows… this newsletter is free. However the way I toil over this you would think I was getting a cute coin…

Baddie5000 is priceless anyway, let’s be for real. Nothing is free anymore unless you buy something else… plus I don’t feel like I’m ever going to run out of soul-touching things to skillfully say. in that case, must I always monetize my mind? just to reach somebody else’s measure of success?

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PRAS DON’T LIKE AI, DO I?

Speaking of someone else’s POV, Fugee’s international badboy rapper Pras wants a retrial for his current conviction. He is basing this on the strength (or weakness) of the fact that his lawyer used AI to write his closing statement, which allegedly contained costly errors.

Pras was found guilty in a foreign influence scheme—- which sounds like he was doing bad business with popular Dubai Instagram accounts… but it was actually with some Malaysian politician who was pressed to garner some good ol American attention.

Pras claims also that his lawyer used an AI program which he (the lawyer) also has financial interests in. Which adds an extra dash of pumpkin spice into this legal latte.

Not going to lie— this is a crafty as fuck defense. Maybe he should’ve represented himself to begin with?

Laws around AI are still being thought of and decided, workers are striking over the threat of being replaced.

At it’s current phase (?), AI can only exist with a human prompt. Sure, it can write bullshit paragraphs that, to anyone who reads often enough, read as bullshit paragraphs… but can it feel? Does it know nuance? How detailed are the details?

I know some writers (not me and could never be) who use AI, saying it helps them organize their thoughts. I wish I would. I thought that was the whole purpose of me opting to be a “wRiTeR.” That I was the one who was supposed to think the things and organize them into words.

Maybe I’m working harder not smarter— I’m guess I’m just traumatized from all those years of having to “show my work,” in math class. So I stay prepared to do that.

DON’T ENVY DJ ENVY

I’m hoping that DJ Envy and his legal team are prepared to show all of their work and receipts, as things are heating up in what is being called online the “Real Estate RICO” (some even calling Envy this) even though right now it’s just a ponzi scheme-not-yet-a-RICO.

In case you live a fulfilling life and haven’t heard, NYCPower 105.1 DJ Envy (formerly known as DJ Shrimp) is mixed up in some bad business. His ex-con former business partner is all over the news with dozens of people saying he scammed them out of money. The alleged scammer was just arrested for wire fraud. There was a rumor that Envy’s office at iHeart Radio was raided but I’m not sure if that’s true.

DJ Envy, like most people in media, used nepotism and had his shady friend on The Breakfast Club promoting the housing scam many times. That’s not a good look. Some of the scamee’s are citing Envy’s stardom as the sole reason they invested, which may then in turn may leave Envy liable.

Hot 97’s DJ Funk Master Flex — who could be in the WWE or on Broadway with his epic theatrics and audio audacity… has been taunting DJ Envy about this for weeks. He said Envy’s boss should get fired, not Envy. He’s talking spicy and I’m into it. This is my sports. Flex takes things a little far as usual, but he reveals his personal reasons for wanting to see Envy and others at iHeart fall.

Sometimes I wonder if I chose the wrong career— look at Flex. I’m aware of the dangers of comparing your life to someone else’s but support or my delusion for a stanza. Flex’s literal life is getting paid to talk shit directly to your opps…naming names live on the radio while dropping your iconic bomb sound effects in between, and playing a song or two.

If I were uglier in the face I would pivot to a radio career immediately… seems like the lane’s wide open.

DOLLY PARTON IS A G

It has been reported that Dolly Parton is only reachable via fax— because she’s “surrounded by enough people.” She is the epitome of goals, bring back beepers or something. I deeply wish to relate to this.

MARKETING MAMI OF THE WEEK

Kali Uchis has an album dropping in January 2024 but I’m already excited based on her visuals alone. In one of the most creative ways I’ve ever seen, she dropped her album tracklist as a tattoo on her back.

I’m inspired on so many levels — and from my research she’s her own creative director. I wish she could outsource her services to clients like the City Girls who desperately need some adjustments.

The City Girl’s new album “RAW” really isn’t great as an acronym (Real Ass Whores) or an album. I love them both deeply though, sorry about that.

RIP THE 45 KING

This week the legendary producer Mark the 45 King passed away. Maybe you haven’t heard of him but you’ve definitely heard his creations.

Producer of Queen Latifah’s first album All Hail the Queen, Eminem’s “Stan”— which regardless of how you feel about it or him —is in the history books for creating a new noun/verb combo in our societal lexicon— and Jay-Z’s immeasurable “Hard Knock Life” with the Annie sample… to name a few.

But perhaps his most impactful contribution is “900 Number,” which will forever be a massive sound

On 900 Number, 45 King fascinatingly samples Marva Whitney’s “Unwind Yourself” from 1968… which I should get tattooed on my face if we’re keeping it a buck

The title of this newsletter of course comes from DJ Kool’s sampling of 900 Number for “Let Me Clear my Throat.” Another critically important classic.

We are better off as a human society thanks to the contributions of The 45 King… Rest in Peace to him and Marva Whitney, angels.

~

Thank you for reading yet another volume. Hope you enjoyed whatever I just said. I fought hard through many an Amazon delivery to put this out today, but it feels nice that I did.

If you too are struggling to get something done, just think about how it feels to sneeze…or clear your throat. Everything leading up to that point is super annoying, but the release is so satisfying and trumps everything prior.

Wishing you a good evening and a mucus free Monday.

-Baddie5000

Matter of fact— after an emotionally exhausting week in corporate as a skrong black lady, I lack the energy to explain myself.

The good thing is, I’m back to speak about other people’s business. I forgot how freeing that is, because in the real world I tend to mind my own.

I do hope you’ve been as well as one can be in light of all the chaos in the world, such as the solar eclipse in Libra yesterday.

As for me I’ve been standing on business, as they say online. In fact that’s the primary source of exercise of my bloodline for the past thousands of years. Who am I to not carry on tradition?

I’m back for today at least, so no need to send out an

EBONY ALERT

California has introduced the “Ebony Alert” which is the black “Amber Alert,” and I wish I were present for the naming brainstorm. Should we be using the same adjectives as the pornography industry, would be my first question.

It’s giving damned if you do— damned if you don’t. It’s true that missing black children are grossly ignored compared to whites. But will the special classification aid in helping people care more? Won’t racists simply ignore these alerts? Plus, all the Ambers I know are Black…

They didn’t announce any additional resources, just a race based naming convention. It feels like a semantic segregation of sorts— were you guys just not issuing Ambers for missing black people and/or not looking that hard?

As we say in the Ebony community— something ain’t clean in da buttermilk.

ICE SPICE ON SNL

Our high yella rap queen who is thicker than heavy cream, made her SNL debut last night. I was highly disappointed that they didn’t put her in any sketches… but that may go against her super cool persona that her handlers have carved out for her. She’s the coldest source of water coming out of the Bronx right now. Without the legionnaires.

Her set design was tragic and not safe for epileptics but I was thrilled to see her rock her ginger Afro on national television, as a strong Ebony queen.

You know how the TikTok Negro slogan goes… when you're black you're never really lonely because there will always be a white person all up in your business…

@elijahgallowayCan’t even crack a smile in cracker barrel😂😭😭 #fyp #crackerbarrel #beingblack #foryou

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Much like her Decent Donut commercial where she had to share the spotlight with disgruntled in the face Ben Affleck…elongated backed Taylor Swift popped up last night to introduce Ice like somebody asked for that. Blacks need an Alabaster Alert where yt ppl go missing…from our business.

JADA PINKETT OVERSHARES AGAIN

To make things balanced and fair, I will report on a black woman who should likely get lost [from the headlines] sans alert.

Jada Pinkett Smith has made it her business over the years to tell us too much about her life, and at this point I’m begging her to stop. She’s promoting a book this week so she decided to reveal a secret about her dead soulmate who she loves more than her husband: Tupac had alopecia, just like her. Leads me to ask…

She may have no hair but she has lots of mouth.

Also in the news is that Tupac’s murder has finally been “solved,” which could’ve been happened if the police were terminally online like me. That should be the focus, not his hidden medical secrets that he didn’t want anyone to know?

I will say Tupac’s legendary baldhead being the result of a medical issue is a perfect example of how Ebony folk take something not so great and turn it into a classic, undeniable cultural fixture. Like oxtails.

Is his estate still just doing anything and everything? If I were the unwell CMO of Alopecia Anonymous I would commission his hologram as our next influencer, in light of this new news.

CHESS NOT CHECKERS

I won’t hold you, I don’t know how to play chess and I was never into the rules: the white pieces have the first move. But to be honest…that reflects real life, so perhaps I should accept it and learn how to play the game?

This week Beyonce showed up at Taylor Swift’s (2 mentions of her in this volume, yikes sry) movie premiere, looking better than her but full of grace. Beyonce has her own concert movie coming out, and those two are the top dogs of entertainment. I saw it as a strategic move that I can learn from.

Sure, Taylor is her “opp” in terms of career I guess…but Beyonce isn’t threatened because she KNOWS she’s that girl.

Despite how you really feel inside, the world is always going to take better to those who know how to show up and visibly support everyone— even their competition.

Unlike Jada Pinkett— Beyonce doesn’t spill all her tea. She bread crumbs personal anecdotes in her music— she puts all the passion into her actual craft. While protecting her privacy and her peace. She’s not the messy girl in feuds, she’s the hardworking icon.

That doesn’t mean she over looks things… many know how serious Beyonce takes her work. She’s notoriously known as “hard to work with,” but not in the ways that some other black women get labeled.

Her attitude, if she has one, is rooted in dedication to her artistic vision…me too mostly, but I’ve learned it doesn’t always come off that way.

I’m not Beyonce, but I am pushing for greatness by any means necessary. But I should also push for kindness and peace simultaneously (boring, but beneficial).

To be honest, Taylor is probably intimidated by Beyonce as she should be…but Beyonce showing up to support her lil film eases that blow.

I’m not saying we should attend our opp’s events— I’m just noting the ways in which I’m being forced to learn how to coexist with others whether we like each other or not. Life is like the contrived hugging session at the end of SNL

I don’t want to be a case of “when keeping it real goes wrong.” The Ebony instinct to avoid faking the funk…has to be rooted in trauma. There is benefit in being phony, it makes people like you more.

Sometimes I wanna be like my fellow Pisces orphan, Steve Jobs (RIP) and say fuck them kids…because I’m busy over here trying to make the iPhone.

But I do believe negative feelings like stress and arrogance manifest into health issues, so maybe I should pump the breaks and try a little tenderness on some Otis Redding type of time.

I’m kinda rambling at this point, yet still spitting facts how I usually do. I’ll wrap this up…

LISTEN TO THIS SONG NOW!

I’ll leave you with the best song of the week by Afrobeats artist Victor Thompson, Ehis ‘D’ Greatest and the undeniably talented Atlanta king (do not play with that boy he is not one of them), Gunna.

Gunna really speaks to my heart with his concisely poignant lyrics,

Thanks for reading as always. Please drop a like, leave a comment, share with a friend if you enjoyed this volume. Also read my archives.

From the depths of my luke warm soul I am wishing you everything you’ve been wanting, manifesting for your life. Whether that be four pro-bono trays of oysters…or more volumes of this newsletter.

-Baddie5000

I’m not big on war - i’m bigger on love - but I’d remiss to not acknowledge (and feel a way) that the men in my family have fought in nearly every war in this country. Quite a decision to opt to potentially die, for a place that doesn’t care if you live. Thank you for your service.

I’m notoriously a contrarian about holidays because of the glaring truth that they’re giving forced behavior. It’s carved out consumer-driven family time, and I don’t ❤️ that conceptually.

I enjoy the day off regardless.

Everyday but especially on holidays, we document every moment imaginable — some of which would be perfectly fine kept private, too. No?

Keep in mind this weekend (talking to myself ): the over shares can come off like a poor attempt to convince us that you’re actually having a good time. Regardless, we will still scroll by and click ❤️ likely.

As I grow into newer facets of love, I’m naturally embracing deeper levels of sacredness. Some shit I’m just not sharing! It’s too pure for peeping eyes…. plus, life is too short to invest in the frail do-it-for-likes-economy— I need love.

To get love you need to give it: so before I get on the grill let me pour out a little liquor + pay my respects to a few icons — soldiers (some literally) in their own right — that we’ve recently lost, but only in the physical.

REST IN PEACE TINA TURNER
The iconic black queen Tina Turner has passed away this week, and we are forever indebted. Tina was everything, you felt her power and her pain with every note she sang and every shimmy she shook. The actual blueprint.

Before she passed, Tina Turner and Beyonce were the only two women who could SANG and dance flawlessly at the same time. The girls just are not giving it up like that, at all.

(I always did wonder— did Beyonce get Tina’s approval for Hov to say “eat the cake Ana Mae” on “Drunk in Love” ? I really didn’t like that line. Unnecessary. Tina’s so fly on her own I won’t even further reference her toxic ex.)

God gave us Tina. Tina gave us everything. Even if we didn’t deserve it.

She literally made it out the mud, growing up as a sharecropper picking cotton in a town that was created solely for slave labor. She endured so much and persevered before the world, crafting her own lane and new life once given the chance.

A visual and a vocal international icon and a soldier of spiritual strength. There are no words good enough… we honor the life and times of the OG Baddie Tina Turner.

REST IN PEACE HARRY BELAFONTE

A beautiful man has left the earth last month. The first black man to win an Emmy, a sweet Calypso singer. Belafonte was also a veteran having served in the Navy in World War II. 

The most important part of his career to me is his dedication to the liberation of black people and social justice at large. A Bestie of MLK and organizer of the March on Washington, Belafonte remained dedicated to the cause his entire life. 

Not to bring up Jay-Z and Beyonce again but he actually came for them, stating that they weren’t doing enough for their people with their celebrity. That was iconic because nobody crosses the Carters, but he’s an icon so even they had to respect it.

We simply do not have enough black public figures of status that actually give a fuck about the state of black life, beyond smoke and mirrors. Belafonte was one of them ones.

REST IN PEACE JERRY SPRINGER

To be honest with you, this man is likely one of the reasons I have a “career” in television. His show is etched into my early memories and I have no shame about it.

I loved how he ended his chaotic show with a moment of reflection, because why not? That’s exactly what we needed after all of that.

Springer’s life was divinely protected and an incredible tale as brilliantly chronicled in this unlikely-but-must-watch interview with fellow QBoro media personality, Queenz Flip below.

He was born in a bomb shelter in WWII. His mom and dad got out of Germany literally 2 weeks before Hitler got into power, most of his other family didn’t make it out.

He came to NY via Ellis Island and every year on his birthday he went back to visit the 1 bedroom apartment in Queens that his family grew up in. Real humble.

A soldier of sorts himself, Springer was an Army reservist and was called to active duty in Fort Knox during Vietnam I think.  

You can’t deny his legacy. We can’t get mad at Jerry for serving us up what we are and what we wanted to see.

Who will help us make sense of the mess now?

REST IN PEACE NICHOLAS GRAY OF GRAY’S PAPAYA

Born in Chile, Gray moved to the Upper West Side & worked on Wall Street before quitting his job to sell hot dogs and papaya juice. He used to be a partner in Papaya King, which also serves those exact things… but left to essentially create his own bootleg version. The literal American Dream.

I couldn’t find anything about Mr. Gray serving in the military, but he fed the soldiers of the streets (me). The windows of his shops were often political:

Plus, he had famous recession special prices for two hot dogs and a tropical drink — and he still do. A man of the people, and truly a big part of my earlier life.

Today I will celebrate his life while eating franks and drinking Papaya juice.

Because I’m a loving nerd, here’s a “recipe” for the famous drink should you want to partake.

Every hot dog and papaya juice, every episode of Jerry Springer, every Belafonte involved production or plan, and Tina Turner song x soul truth I encountered has made me the gal I am today. Truly.

I had to show love.

To wrap up, here’s my poorly workshopped Jerry Springer-esque Final Thought:

I hope for you, that when you post online…there are people who “like” it that really love you, in real life…for who you really are. May they tell you often, offline. as much as possible. May you return the favor

Love is the pinnacle, plus it lasts longer than life does. Word.

Peace.

-Baddie5000

Are sports even real? This week someone leaked a document which is prolly fake but clearly shows the whole NBA is a shamdemic.

Been traveling for a minute but I’m back in the city for now. Here’s a New York Ramble, no Central Park 🗽

🎰

This week Roc Nation wrote an open letter read by our rolling eyes, regarding their bid to build a casino in Times Square. As if the area couldn’t get more psychotic, Jay-Z and co. would like to add more insanity in the name of gambling gains.

Promising $115 million to “diverse theater programs that include daycare for Broadway workers,” the letter suggests that the casino would benefit the lives of everyday New Yorkers…but yet mentions nothing of how to lower our damn rent.

Jay-Z and Beyonce made headlines the other day by purchasing the most expensive home in California history ($200 mil) so it’s not like they need the money. What if they built houses for those without them, who live in Times Square? Too much like doing the right thing?

The sole benefit here is that Times Square will no longer just be insufferable because it’s too crowded, it will be insufferable because it’ll be sad. Casinos and buffets are some of the saddest structures, but also the best places to watch civilization wrestle with demons. Will I be able to vape in there, and will the D’usse be on the house?

👮🏾‍♀️

Mixxy NYC mayor Eric Adams usually shows up rabidly to every event…but I guess funerals are where he draws the line. Jordan Neely was laid to rest on Friday and Adams didn’t show. It’s not as if he would be welcomed.

Adams took too long to say anything about the situation— as if his words are ever effective or could bring back a life.

Neely’s killer raised 2.6 million in legal donations. One thing about the racists, they’re putting their money where their mouths are— the woke factions need to start breaking bread like they’re breaking the binary.

For some like Al Sharpton (who was naturally present with his permed press n curl) the scenario reminded them of the 1984 Bernie Goetz shooting of 4 black men, who allegedly tried to rob Goetz on the train.

Goetz and Neely’s killer are both weird white dudes from Queens, like Donald Trump. Goetz only did about 8.5 months for the gun. These days Goetz focuses on rescuing squirrels and pigeons around the city.

🦅

Speaking of birds, famous avian the Pale Male — a red tailed hawk that served as a local celebrity for those in-tune with nature — has died at 32, we think.

Pale Male lived most of his life at 927 Fifth Avenue and once Mary Tyler Moore and other famous people successfully intervened to get his eviction reversed. What if we did this for human beings?

Pale Male fell in love with a lady hawk named Lola and birdwatchers loved to stalk them and make up potentially false narratives about their lives... like we do about celebrities on Instagram. Lola died and Pale Male ended up having 23 children since her death.

Hawks don’t usually make it to 30, and bird “experts” don’t even know if it’s been the same bird the whole time, but we all just need something (especially about other people’s lives) to believe in.

At least we still have the Puerto Rican peacock, Raul 🦚 that escaped from the Bronx Zoo last month… but don’t worry he’s back behind bars.

Sometimes, we need need to get away for a moment.

🏙

New York City is apparently sinking under its’ own weight.

This could all be avoided if we stop building all these goofy ass buildings. They don’t even look good and plus “offices” are an outdated concept.

The only way to work is: from home in your panty with a double espresso, both a sparkling and still water & an incense unfurling in the air.

🌙

New Moon in Taurus.

The New Moon arrived on Friday so I’ve been focused on various modes of fruitful stability. They say you should talk to yourself like the people on the MTA about what you want to bring forth:

*I am abundantly more successful than the Knicks

*The probability of my potential is overpopulated like Times Square

*I am not sinking under the weight of the skyscrapers that are my dreams

etc.

📈

Thank you for rocking out for 25 whole volumes!

If you’re new here, dig into the archive it’s fire and I don’t lie.

☕️

If this collection of words impacted you and you’d like to impact me…consider buying me a coffee or whateva.

📲

Keep up with Baddie5000 on socials to stay sane.

🫂

Big up to day 1 Baddie Naomi Zeichner for the shout out in last week’s issue of My Internet 🙏🏿

Embedded

My Internet: Naomi Zeichner

Embedded is your essential guide to what’s good on the internet, written by Kate Lindsay and edited by Nick Catucci. Most weeks, we quiz a “very online” person for their essential guide to what’s good on the internet. Today we welcome Naomi Zeichner, a writer, strategist, and host of…

Read more

3 years ago · 27 likes · Nick Catucci

See you 🔜

Baddie5000

I hope this email reaches you well.

Me? I’m fucking fantastic. Still on vacation as I should be. You know I’m 100% chillin coz I didn’t even pathetically (ingeniously) stream Coachella (the only way to consume it. Ain’t nobody got time for all that dust, must and distrust! & that’s no shade) just watched clips.

I was considering releasing this post earlier today but I was doing my nails, and in life it’s essential to have your priorities in order. Or is it?

LATE

DL: DALAI LAMA, DEVIANT LIPS

For reasons unknown Big Dog of Buddhism, the Dalai Lama (DL) kissed and asked a little boy in India to suck on his tongue…after the child asked for a simple hug. I am at a loss for why this would’ve happened:

I'm of the personal belief that kissing might even be more intimate than sex… I mean someone is all up in your mouth! You really gotta like that person.

According to my research the current DL is the 14th one ever, and he was selected when he was 2 years old after an older monk had a vision of his house & village. They knew the young DL was next up after he pointed at the older DL’s things and saying “it’s mine, it’s mine!”

We all know how troubled child stars are but I’m failing to possess sympathy for his transgressions.

Should DL be removed? I know Buddha says life is suffering but should the world have to suffer through him his status after making out a minor on video tape? Buddha also says “Purity or impurity depends on oneself, no one can purify another,” so technically we don’t need DL or any leader to get us our free.

Only after getting called out online did DL issue an apology through his team saying he was just teasing the boy… and that still don’t sound right.

CASH APP KILLER

Bob Lee, the man who created Cash App was killed by his own mans —another techie Nima Momeni who allegedly passionately stabbed Lee. Momeni is said to have confronted Lee in regards to Momeni’s sister who he thought had been vibing too hard with Lee.

Before Momeni’s arrest the groupthink chatter and speculation that ensued was interesting. Silicon Valley Bros were all up in arms blaming the slaying on San Franciscan homelessness…it does not surprise me that the 1% rushed to blame the poors. Meanwhile Conspiracy Theorists thought it was a by product of a bad business deal or a contract killing from the government/banks— due to the threat of decentralized digital monies.

Come to find out it was over a woman, our power.

YT PRIVILEGE IS ON FYRE

Only in America can someone (mainly YT’s) with the following Wikipedia entry —

be awarded more attention & yet another opportunity to scam us all again

LimeWire (raised me) did their big one with the response. Sure, they was scammers too— but for the betterment of the people, not the individual. That’s when scamming is appropriate.

DAMIEN HIRST RUIN RUINED

This story caught my eye this week it was like poetry or parody… can’t tell which one.

A lady in Florida who could’ve been drunk, high, or just Floridian — drove her Rolls Royce into some hedge fund dudes’s Damien Hirst (first AI artist?) artwork.

The $3MM sculpture is a fake ruin made to look like a Sphinx covered in coral reef…which may be disrespectful to God & Africans if you think about it.

The crazy driver lady, 66 (angel #) ‘s identity cannot be found by our research team— it’s giving complexion for the protection!

BAD COP, SNITCH BOT

Your doofy ass Mayor, Eric Adams announced the return of the robot cop dog & introduced the Snitch Bot -- both machines that will be used to police people.

What about a machine to kill rats— I’m into that. I’d hate on Adams more but the weather is nice and I’m tryna be outside

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE

NICKICE SPICE

Enough late and bad news— now for something more—”it’s cute I guess.”

Nicki Minaj has remixed Ice Spice’s Princess Diana but in my opinion has only contributed to things visually. The song was already good, and arguably not made any better.

It must be noted that this is Ice’s most polished iconography thus far— from visual frame to fashions— which is a great thing.

Nicki thew her usual shots at rap girls on the track. But what’s most important here is the business. For the song, Nicki signed a distribution deal with her own label, Heavy on It and Lucian Grainge’s son’s 10K Projects, where Ice is signed.

A lot of the reason why it’s said Nicki throws subs is she feels used by other lady rappers who she thinks are just trying to capitalize vs genuinely collab with her. This time around— Nicki’s in control right along with Spice - both being able to monetize the moment. We’ll see how long this union lasts 💗

GREAT

RAE SREMMURD RETURNS

Mostly everything is not the best… but some things are really great. Rae Sremmurd released an album that wasn’t promoted that well, Sremm4Life. So many good songs, feels like Summer 2016

See you soon hotties!

Baddie5000

So hi. I hope the holy week treated you well, or whateva! Let’s talk about… one thing— keep in mind I’m on a tropical island, stealing someones internet to write this so wherever I may lack…please be over my shoulder.

Lastly, did you know you can reply to this email to talk to me/suggest topics/profess your love if you really needed to? If not, just

Leave a comment

BLACK GIRL MAGIC, WHITE GIRL TRAGIC

I won’t pretend to care about sports but I am very invested in black winning. This past week, the very black Louisiana State University won a big basketball championship situation over very white but-still-good-at-ball Iowa, 102 to 85. It very much gave Bring It On

One of the stars of the LSU team Angel Reese — is just literally that girl. She’s confident, and she’s good and not a quiet token so she’s bound to ruffle feathers.

She came under fire for “taunting her opponent” while appropriating Tony Yayo (the white wrestler got it from Yayo also)’s infamous hand to face gesture.

This VERY same gesture which white Iowa star Caitlin had done to Angel without any comment.

A lot of weird people took issue with Angel as if she had committed a crime. Aren’t sports supposed to be competitive? Hell— I’m competitive about my little ad job (where the work I do… people turn the commercial for.)

I was pretty taken aback by the media coverage of the hand motion. The racial disparities are blatant and anyone who can’t see that doesn’t want to. It reminded me of Katrina coverage to be honest:

Angel spoke pretty gracefully about some of the criticism she’s received:

In a very classy move, Caitlyn spoke up for Angel against the haters…I need my opps to do this.

Caitlyn is not the “tragic” white girl I’m speaking of in the title of this story… that would be Jill Biden. Jill came out of her face to suggest that she would be inviting Iowa (the losers) alongside LSU to the White House….for what?

No losers have ever been invited after a championship game, so why would we go against tradition. Some people are going to lose, and they don’t need to be celebrated for it. That’s just apart of life!

Black people get little win and here comes someone trying to diminish it by any means necessary.

Moral of the story is regardless of how hard you work, or how much success you have… “people” are always going to take some kind of issue with you if you don’t go out of your way to comfort their insecurities. Especially if you black.

I just feel like their therapist’s job…not mine.

Anyway, I’ll leave you with the

theme song because I feel we all need to be:

till next time!

Baddie5000

Yesterday was one of the most insufferable days to be online because 1) the weather was nice 2)

Everyone’s stupid little pranks… We don’t care, muffin!

It’s against my personal religion to be a joke so I don’t associate with this holiday. I am the main ingredient, but I ain’t no fool !

BLACK MEMES, WHITE TWEETS BY FRANTZ FANON 🐧

This week, highly trusted news source CNN reported on a very important issue

I’m not sure how I really feel about this, if can be stopped nor if I actually care. Who is making these rules? Can we focus on the rules on weapons? We should place our attention on the digital manifesto to machine gun massacre pipeline which accelerates everyday.

AI STANDS FOR ACTUALLY IDIOTIC 👖

Dungaree corporation Levi’s reported this week that they will be using AI models to “increase diversity and sustainability” instead of actually hiring diverse models. They really tried it.

When faced with backlash Big Jeans revised their statement saying that they don’t see their pilot program as a means to “advance diversity,” even though that’s what they originally said. I feel no ways because who is really buying brand new Levi’s? We thrift used ones, and that’s no shade!

HARLEM MEN TALKING IN A VERY HARLEM WAY

I can’t recall when it happened, but I guess Cam and Mase are back cool again. In my mind it’s still 2004 and Dipset is still coming for Mason Betha’s neck:

Cam’ron (and Mase) have a new YouTube series aptly titled “It is What It is” and it’s good but very Harlem at the same time (rude, misogynistic, lot’s of “no homos” & “pause”) etc… so if you’re easily injured by words grab your crutches and keep stepping.

They talk mainly about sports but sprinkle in lots of braggadocious banter only found uptown Manhattan. Plus every episode is supplemented with Cam’ron’s commercials for his sexual enhancement product, Pink-Horse Power.

highlights…

• in episode 3, Cam speaks about Tom Brady & Gisele’s break up. Cam’ron hints that he cursed Gisele out during fashion week one year and I’m DYING to know more about that. He better watch it, coz she def know some distorted Candomblé (prolly not the real version coz she branca)…how else do you think Brady was winning dem bowls? 🪄

• in episode 5 comes for Mario Chalmer’s LIFE, taunting him CRAZILY for his low salary & whatever international team he plays for and says he can beat him in basketball… Chalmer responded, in a poorly lit video

Overall— this is a huge win for Harlem. As you’ll recall… the Diplomats were DOWN BAD a few years back at the Verzuz. We covered this sad story two years ago in volume 16:

baddie 5000 the newsletter

🍦I scream, you scream, we're all embarrassed for Dipset 🤦🏿‍♀️

Happy New Moon & Happy Sweet 16th Volume to us!! I hope your August is off to an incredible start. I love August because it means summer is almost over. 🤷🏿‍♀️ The warm weather can be nice but it’s my forehead heat rash for me. As soon as the weather drops, my skin immediately improves as do my outfits…

Read more

5 years ago · 10 likes · baddie 5000

NEW EMOJIS DROPPED…STILL NONE WE ASKED FOR

Apple has released iOS 16.4 which I haven’t downloaded yet because I’m a little underwhelmed but I will. They’re okay I guess. Here’s a few

The jelly fish is fire. The ginger is cool…is the afro pick is aight ( can white people use that)?

BUT THE PINK HEART EMOJI IS THE WRONG SHADE. WE WANT LIGHT PINK, OBVIOUSLY.

GLO-FIGER

Speaking of things nobody asked for… Memphis rapstress GloRilla has apparently released a collab with Tommy Hilfiger Jeans.

Black people everywhere online were up in arms as they recalled the racist comment from the 90s that Tommy Hilfiger never made about not wanting negros in his clothes. Facts don’t matter though.

I’m most upset that at the dungaree design, the british rappers, and the overall creative direction. However, we are mostly always happy when a black women is gettin her corporate coin.

ICE SPICE IS HARPER BAZAAR’S MARCH MUSIC DIRECTOR

Sure? I guess I’m widdit. As previously mentioned, black queen get your paper.

Because I’m a dramatic Black nerd, all I could think about when I read this was how Harper’s Weekly (Bazaar’s pappy) used to publish stories like this about the peculiar institution of slavery. I guess we’ve come a long way (have we?)

Anyways- speaking of slavery, I have to go finish my annual viewing of the best film ever The Ten Commandments from 1956. Talk soon.

-Baddie5000

Speaking of sassy alts, this picture of the pope in a bubble that went viral this week is unfortunately not real. It’s all about the hands with these ai photos.

Since nothing even matters, who cares if it’s fake he still had that shit on!

Catholics were also in the news yesterday when the Episcopal Diocese of New York apologized for its’ role in slavery. They admitted that enslaved people built many of their NYC buildings and yet many of their descendants were denied access after emancipation.

Naturally, the Diocese mentioned they’re raising funds for reparations…lol. 🧐

My first immediate request for the Vatican is for them to order Italy based fashion house Moncler to issue me this banned blackface puffer for free. I always wanted her.

Sure it’s racist — but I’m black so I can’t be.

Speaking of black— co-founder of iconic Chicago based beauty company Soft Sheen - Edward Garner has passed away.

Clearly successful— he was co-owner of the Bulls — but more importantly Gardner was a community activist and developer, he created a theater, a non profit and organized protests.

Rest in Peace.

Thank you for taking the time to care for your people.

When you don’t take care of your people— dire things can happen….

This week, shamed Latinx rapper and federal informant who snitched on his “friends” Tekashi 69 was caught lacking in a LA fitness.

I won’t post the video of him getting pummeled by several men in the sauna, but let’s just say he looked like Martin did after his scuffle with Tommy Hearns

Look at those likkle shorts, and puffers are clearly the theme this week. Allegedly, Tekashi was finally beat up by members of the Latin King gang. I personally have only favorable memories with the organized group.

One time in high school, I slept outside of BAM for Jay-Z tickets and these generous Latin King & Queens let me hang out in their golden yellow tent to keep warm. I didn’t have to get jumped in, speak Spanish or nothing!

It’s important to take care of people.

Uganda, on the other hand doesn’t care about its’ people. The African nation passed a super homophobic law this week stating that they will be banning being gay which is super crazy.

Not to judge a bird by its’ colors but the national bird of Uganda looks super gay to me, will she/he/they be out of a job… like Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben?

Our African bredren in Uganda have certainly lost their mind but it’s actually white people’s fault (like most things— no shade!).

Uganda’s warped homophobic ideals are rooted in American evangelical Christianity. Click here to read more on that.

Keeping up with the horrible news somebody (prolly yt) decided to change the iconic I <3 NY logo to this and everyone with eyes hates it.

Why is the heart so doofy and not aligned with the text? What font is this?

It’s all bad. The original logo was made in 1977 (one of the best years I wasn’t alive for) by Milton Glaser while he was stuck in traffic in the back of the cab.

Real New York shit that shouldn’t be messed with— like me, or the metro card.

I was going to write about Eric Adams’ son’s album release party

or the fact that his father wants to ban bedroom windows

but we’ve discussed enough nonsensical misery this week.

The reality is…the real world is super ghetto and unkept.

I hope ai don’t take my job, but who really wants to work? I just want to prance around like a simulation

and write my little silly newsletter.

Which you should subscribe to if you’re not already.

-Baddie5000

I almost didn’t write this because I didn’t want to…But that’s not how you make a good 20th impression. Speaking of impressions please follow Baddie5000 on instagram.

IG followers are the new currency, and unlike Dollar Tree I’m tryna keep on buying unfertilized chickens.

I wouldn’t say I’m a quitter, but I’ve thought about it. However, how I’ma habitually have the Hollandaise if I don’t work hard ?

LAW ROACH TO SCATTER FROM FASHION LIKE IT’S A RAID CAN? 🪳

This week South Side Chicago fashion stylist Law Roach announced in an unstylish instagram post that he was quitting fashion. I didn’t like the font of the lazy “retired” graphic he used.

It seems like The Oscars were the powder keg for Roach’s combustion. The awards seemed stressful for this little bit of branded red carpet cardboard everyone had to stand on, as well.

I didn’t watch the Oscars. Look how Rihanna showed up. She didn’t, so why should I care?

Law is known for his stellar styling of part black queen Zendaya, as well as Jamaican singer Celine Dion. Because I have one, I love Law’s attitude

Many celebrities came out digitally to support Law and beg him not to quit.

The comment section is the only real place left in the world, and typed words are the best form of human support obviously. Help me help you in helping me:

Leave a comment

Law sat down with The Cut to clear the air about his recent drama and why he’s quitting his job. I didn’t realize that he was the “first black stylist working with A list white talent.” Sadly enough that’s still seen as a major accomplishment as of Spring 2023.

Any environment where only a few are meant to succeed is never a healthy one.

Law speaks:

Despite everything that occurs in our lives… happiness, like health, is an active choice we have to make everyday.

SURGERY SCARIES 🔪

I have been totally entranced by Blac Chyna’s transparency in removing her silicon butt shots, fake boobies and face fillers.

Chyna (who I’d like to call by her real name in respect of her transformation back to self, Angela White) has been sharing her entire journey online, as one does.

I’m obsessed with her honesty just like everyone’s obsessed with lying as if they didn’t get surgery. Also obsessed with her black surgeon Dr. Matlock.

It is very interesting to see the trend of BBL Baddies going back to where they started. Natural body gyals up!

Angela isn’t the only one keeping it real about fake enhancements.

Jamaican Queen of the Dancehall, Grace Hamilton aka Spice came out this week with her own scalpel story.

Several months ago it was reported that Spice fell ill after having surgery, but she never really spoke about it until now.

I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say she had a hernia on her side that her boob job surgeon didn’t know about (huh?) but it ended up saving her life because her intestines ruptured next to the hernia but then she got sepsis & her tummy skin rotted and she almost died but didn’t, Jah Bless.

Spice dropped this incredible music video “God a Bless Me” fully equipped with a Gloria Gaynor interpolation up top… chronicling her near death experience. It’s my new favorite song!

Here’s a likkle:

Quick, somebody send this chune to Law Roach!

Now that we’re back where we started I’ll stop here. But not before I pay homage to an alabaster king.

#1 WHITE GUY DIES

I’d be remiss if I didn’t pay tribute to one of the greatest white men to ever live, Bobby Caldwell who passed away this week. The NYC born singer had the voice of an angel, and was friends with the best other Bob, Marley.

His song “Open Your Eyes” was skillfully sampled on Commons “The Light,” both songs are about me.

Don’t worry if you didn’t know that Bobby was white, this is the only time in life that race doesn’t matter.

I’ll end this (for real) with a video of DMX singing Bobby’s most popular song.

-Baddie5000

It’s literally been  364 days since the last Baddie 5000 post. I’ve been busy living my life to the fullest and please don’t doubt that. I won’t make promises, but I believe it would be in everyone’s best interest if I wrote here more. 

💉TUMMY TUCK ➡️ CARTEL CATASTROPHE 🇲🇽

This past week, two of the four black Americans that were kidnapped by armed Mexican cartel members were found dead. 3 guy friends were accompanying their lady friend to get cosmetic surgery.

Like the considerate faction they are, the cartel issued an apology

I cannot wrap my brain around driving 29 hours from South Carolina to Mexico to get a tummy tuck. I feel like she could’ve got one in Miami and put it on Klarna? And that’s no shade. Being in a car with 3 men sounds painful with or without going under the knife, do not recommend.

Because they’re black, stories of the victims’ past drug charges came to light. I’m not going to hold you, the story felt narcotic when I first heard it too…but that’s none of my business.

This crazy “accidental” kidnapping took place in a town called Matamoros, which literally translates to “Moor killer” leading me to believe that they should’ve never drove through those parts as Los Negros.

Also why would you pay for a tummy tuck when you can just tuck your tummy into your tights like the rest of us? I’ll have you know there are plenty a persons in many a nations willing to risk quite a few things just to lay up under the folds of a FUPA, so I’ve heard.

You can do what you want with your body but as a reminder you don’t need elective surgery…but you do need to vote for yourself in the election of love.

Rest in Peace to our fallen countrymen, and thoughts and prayers to the survivors.

🐱POPPIN P ➡️ CEO OF BET 👩🏽‍💼

Since she has a book coming out, former CEO of BET Debra Lee decided to tell us all about the affair she had with the network’s founder Bob Johnson.

(Ironically this story drops as news of black men Tyler Perry and Byron Allen are independently seeking to buy back the once black owned brand.)

Lee speaks of her mentor Johnson holding her job over her head when she wanted to end the relationship. Johnson later left after he sold the company to Viacom, and Lee became CEO.

Girl, you are known as the woman who cancelled BET Uncut, the ICONIC programming that raised a nation. According to Lee she wanted to push the company into a new era of “family, community, and uplift,” after her own personal era of corporate concubinage.

Luckily many of us will always remember the legendary NSFW videos from Bet UnCut such as “No Panties On The Dancefloor”

as well as “Money in a Ziplock Bag”

I won’t spend time shading her for using sex to get success. Maybe we should all try it. I didn’t fuck to get where I am but I am getting fucked (psychologically) to stay here.

🎸 ROLLING LOUD ➡️ & WRONG 🚫

Rolling Loud came back again and I’ma stream her every time, it keeps me young.

Coi Leray did great, her live show has gotten ten times better. We are hoping and praying the same for New York City’s high yellow black queen Ice Spice, who is simply impressive without doing or saying much. Like.

Now onto the actual mess.

Nicki Minaj came out during Lil Wayne’s set with an unnecessary backpack on. Yes it was Chanel, but she’s 40. I’m not age shaming, or maybe I am because I personally phased out most of my backpacking in the 3rd grade.

I’m not saying you can’t wear backpack as a grown woman but why would you? Perhaps her son’s snacks were in there.

As if things couldn’t get worse, Onika gets up there trying to be shady and got her karma quicker than you could say “South Side Jamaica Queens.”

On her new song, “Red Ruby Da Sleeze” she samples Lumidee’s “Never Leave You” which didn’t need to be touched in my opinion. Bonafide classic on its own, honestly

The song is okay I guess, but I am judging her for the title… trying to align herself with a street gang that her husband is allegedly affiliated with. It’s just not giving legendary behavior. Now had she joined the gang on her own accord like Cardi B, I would respect it more.

Nicki has a bar in the song where she says “I don’t fuck with horses like Christopher Reeves” a clear jab at fellow rapper Megan The Stallion… as if Megan doesn’t have enough going on. I guess this is clever if you were born in 1990 or earlier, but Gen Z was in that audience and had no idea what the hell she’s talking about.

Also, why do black people add a “S” on everything that man’s name is Christopher Reeve, singular.

She gets up on the stage breaking down the bar like it’s worth a Pulitzer and then the DJ proceeds to fuck up her mix CATASTROPHICALLY. You reap what you sow…you back what you pack!

Also at Rolling Loud…

Lil Uzi wore one of Prince’s outfits and it was not giving ! Jay-Z allegedly once told Uzi he reminds him of Prince. But Jay-Z also said being called “capitalist” is like being called “Nigger” so do with that what you will.

I do love when Uzi busts that little sassy Philadelphia hip shaking dance, as he should:

Prince loved God, so I don’t think he would fancy his suit being worn on such a “Satanic” stage? Then again, there is not much that Prince actually liked because mostly everything is mediocre (except God)

Fans were up in arms when Uzi performed a brand new song where he says, “I make a City Girl believe in Satan” alluding to his gorgeous girlfriend Jatavia aka JT of the City Girls. I have no opinion on this right now. Plus the song didn’t even sound good.

Speaking of JT I loved this interview she did with Angie Martinez where she gets so real and deep about her life. Growing up with a mom on drugs, feeling abandoned, mental health, working to over come trauma, being in love etc.

MUSIC BY MEN

I’ll leave you with two of my favorite songs right now…they’re by men despite it being women’s history month whatever the fuck that means.

Don Toliver’s new concept album Love Sick is so good. He’s a legend in the making. In an interview with Joe Budden on Patreon he talks about how Kanye told him (paraphrase) “If you don’t feel it in your veins, it’s not it.”

I pray and beg all of us to follow this sentiment in everything we do (except drugs).

This song with Charlie Wilson feels high:

Young Nudy’s new project Gumbo is a classic already.

All his food songs are historically amazing. “Portabella” is about drugs and feels like it

-Baddie5000

It’s been a long time.

I shouldn’t have left you.

I trust you’ve been well in the past six months; but how good could things have been without me?

I’m back and ready to unpack the past week. I feel especially motivated to get up off my ass and work after Kim Kardashian told me to do so…

LATE

KANYE’S EX CALLS ON WOMEN TO GET UP +WORK

Unfortunately I watched her say this on my phone screen as I was sitting down. So did she have a point? Somewhere underneath her annoying voice is the truth: success comes from hard work.

Outraged, many online commenters pointed out how she got where she is from her sex tape as well as stealing over a hundred thousand dollars on Brandy’s moms credit card.

So it’s not just hard work… you also have to lie [down] and steal.

I used to work for the Kardashians (not a flex), and I scammed my way in. Those Armenian media menaces had a short-lived klothing line at Sears kalled the Kardashian Kollection over a decade ago.

I smuggled clean pee into the drug test. Shout out to one of our Baddie5K readers who had clean urine to spare. I kept the contraband pee in a small container wrapped in foil and tucked in between my breasts. The urine has to be warm to pass the test apparently.

So tell me again Kim, how I don’t work hard enough?

CUOMO ASSAULTS BLACK CHURCH

A week ago, our disgraced former gov Andrew Cuomo (who we have ethered in vol 17, vol 16, vol 13 and vol 4) assaulted a black congregation with his presence as they just tried to get their praise on.

There appeared to be 12 people in the room at God’s Battalion of Prayer Ministries in Brooklyn. Cuomo spoke endlessly with a nose as red as marinara about being cancelled. He placed blame on his victims, the Democrats but never himself.

Cancel culture is kind of annoying though. We live in a time where Aretha Franklin would probably be cancelled for a song like “Natural Woman.” O_o

People quickly criticized Cuomo for crashing church to which he responded in colloquial black online language: “I said what I said.”

No matter how many blacks you hang out with Cuomo(or any of you)…you will never be more succinctly shady than a black woman. I’ll leave you with Attorney General Letitia James’ response to this all:

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE

COVID IS OVER?

No offense, but I feel like COVID disappeared too fast. I could quarantine for another year or so. The “back to work” rollout is bustling through too quickly for me, wasn’t we just in a panoramic? Now all of a sudden we don’t have to wear masks?

Your mayor Eric Adams, similar to Kim Kardashian…says it’s time to go back to work AKA risk your life on these unsafe streets!

There are hammer attacks on the train every week and body parts popping up all over the city…. plus yesterday two white women got stabbed at the MoMa. When Caucasian women are in danger…we’re all in danger. I miss the curfew.

It is good that less people are sick and dying though.

RIP CHARLES ENTENMANN

Of course it’s sad when people die…but it’s also great that people have lived.

Charles Entenmann like the desserts passed away in February but we’re just hearing about it now.

Kind of like MF DOOM or the Bank Panther (director Ryan Coogler) who got mistaken for a robber in Feb (even though he’s rich) but we’re just hearing it now.

I lied (key to success) and teased a return to this newsletter by promising to discuss Coogler …but I’m not not going to, because I decided I don’t care.

But I do care about Entenmann’s. Charles’ father William started the company in 1898 where all good things come from…Brooklyn on Rogers Avenue.

As the title of this newsletter alludes to, Entenmann’s Coconut Custard Pie is a major part of who I am but they’ve discontinued it. Ever since then, I’ve been lost on a personal level.

I want to take this time to acknowledge all of the fallen snacks of the Entenmann’s brand… that Charles won’t even eat in heaven, because he didn’t even like desserts!

GREAT

I feel like most of the topics I’ve discussed haven’t been black specific which is upsetting me and my homegirls so the two great things of the week will be:

LIL DURK IS AN ICON

The man from Michelle Obama’s block brought a million dollars cash to his A Million Dollars Worth of Game interview which itself has over two million views.

Not to mention, his album 7220 (named after his grandmother’s address so it was bound to succeed) will be #1 on the charts this week:

Durk let us know that his record label gave him some change:

It’s not just these incredible numbers that make Durk special… it’s all the scary statistics stacked against him. 101 people have been killed in Chicago already in 2022. This could’ve easily been him…but thankfully it’s not.

Recently his brother D Thang and his cousin and fellow iconic Chicago rapper King Von (who also has a new album) were both murdered. Now Durk’s been taunted on a daily basis online to avenge his losses. He claims it doesn’t bother him, but I feel like it does.

He speaks about this in his harrowing-but-hot single, “AHHH HA”

He’s at the height of his career now, but that’s where problems seem to find you the most.

You’ll recall him and his fiancé India got into a full on shoot out recently, which we discussed in vol 14. Because he lives his raps he speaks about it on a song appropriately titled “Shootout @ My Crib.”

The most touching line of the song to me, “been through all kind of shit, bro died on dialysis.” I felt that.

The album is a solid effort, and I’m very happy for him. It is my hope that kids growing up in Chicago will look to him, and pursue a career in the arts at the very least. He’s inspiring to even a lil writer like me. He’s a vision...you can really make millions off of metaphors.

NICKI MINAJ SAYS FUCK VOGUE! I AGREE

Okay so she didn’t necessarily say that, but that was the underlying point I understood. In an interview with Joe Budden, Onika calls out the dusty magazine by saying that both her and Lil Kim should’ve been on the cover.

There’s no way she wasn’t going to say herself…but points was made.

Lil Kim and Nicki Minaj along with many other black women… have consistently been the moment without proper documentation.

Kim is arguably the reason why a generation of black women felt like they belonged in designer clothing. Her and Foxy Brown.

Nicki is influential too. She did the colored hair (after Kim but) during a time when it wasn’t really cool. In fact, she looked like a clown! But now it’s in.

Vogue never makes black women look good when we’re on the cover.

Recently a few of ya’ll was gagging over a British Vogue cover with a few blacks girls painted in black paint, with the lighter skinned black in the middle.

I was embarrassed for ya’ll for liking it, the models for taking part and Vogue for orchestrating that mess. This is black fetishization.

Even if artificial…at the very least it was blacker than the typical “BIPOC representation” aka Black Erasure.

Anyway, thanks for reading. As always feel free to Buy Me A Coffee?

Will I return next week? If I feel like it.

XO

I’m not sure if I’m the girl in the mint hued shimmer dress or the man trying to carry her or am I the last man who saves the day? Being a complex character I encompass all three, depending on the hour. We’re all just out here trying to keep our head above the murkily contaminated and forceful waters of 2021.

Let’s jump right in the sewer and wade through the late, great and neither here nor there of last week:

LATE

🇭🇹 HAITIAN EARTHQUAKE 🙏🏿

As I’m sure you’re aware by now an earthquake has rattled Haiti yesterday and the death toll is over 700 as I write this.

I’ve been seeing lots of warnings not to donate to the Red Cross. I’m going to take some time over the next week to find some reputable places to give back and I’ll share them in next week’s volume 18.

I was already planning to discuss Haiti next week as August 21st 1791 marks the start of the Haitian Revolution. Haiti is an essential beacon of black liberation light, being the first nation to overthrow and ban slavery.

🎰 FRIDAY THE 13TH PROPAGANDA 💃🏾

If you’re reading this, you’ve survived yet another Friday the 13th. So I guess it wasn’t that bad? I was raised by a Southern superstitious woman so I’ve always fear this day as well. This year, I started to wonder why.

According to the explanations I found on Google, 13 is considered unlucky because Jesus’ killer Judas was the thirteenth person to arrive to the Last Supper. Wouldn’t he just be unlucky?

Fridays are considered unlucky to some because that’s the day that Adam couldn’t control his temptation and ate the apple and also the day Jesus died. Have you ever experienced a Friday? Usually good stuff.

So then I dug deeper to find some important things about Fridays and Friday the 13th which make me feel robbed for ever thinking it was bad:

• Friday in Latin is “dies Viernes” — day of Venus, the Roman goddess of love. According to some viral memes Friday the 13th pre patriarchy used to be Goddess Day, where women were celebrated. If true, that sexist biblical rebrand is crazy!

  

• Friday 13th 1831 — During a solar eclipse, legendary freedom fighter Nat Turner had a divine vision from God to rebel against his slave masters. Days later he organized dozens of enslaved to rebel and kill 55+ slave owners/whites in the way.

• Friday 13th 1920 — The Pan African flag is formally adopted by Marcus Garvey's Universal Negro Improvement Association + African Communities League.

All in all, it’s a scam and super late to think Friday the 13th is bad luck! Do your googles please.

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE

🧼Celebrities who don’t bathe 🚿

Several people who can afford nicer soaps than me, like Ashton Kutcher and his wife and a slew of other Caucasian celebrities (and Uncle Terry Crews) have voluntarily came out and let us know they don’t bathe often. And we wonder why Delta is spreading.

Being a researcher and marketer for fun and by trade respectfully, I had to dig deeper. I saw a theory referencing the California droughts and wondering if this could be some sort of reverse psychology to conserve H20??

Is it cultural? History tells us that European colonizers didn’t bathe but wore white linens that they believed kept/proved them clean. Or is this all some proactive roll out plan for Fenty Fungal Soap 2022 ala the perfume reel?

🇳🇬Jollof Bieber 🇨🇦

The only thing bad about Friday the 13th this year was Justin Bieber’s remix of Nigerian superstar WizKid and Temi’s “Essence.” The non-Bieber version has been dubbed the song of the summer:

Sonically, the song didn’t need Justin… just like Justin didn’t need those measly dreadful dreadlocks we discussed in volume 2.

Of course we are happy for WizKid that this will take his career to new levels, although he was already an international star in his own right. It just reinforces the fact that despite black culture being super influential and imitated, the true gatekeepers of success are still largely white.

However, maybe the 2020 Census is proof that this will be changing soon…as America (or at least those who filled out the Census) is becoming less white. Wishful thinking.

The song better go number one or else it was a waste of everyone’s time.

GREAT

Men who quit

A few days after we released volume 16 last week, Cuomo stepped down as Governor of New York. Before doing so, he had his lawyer hold a press conference and refute everything in Attorney General James’ report.

After that, he finally announced he would leave in 14 days. Lol. That’s privilege to quit because you’re about to be fired for touching women, killing grandparents and writing a book about it…but in two weeks.

Also, Britney Spears’ dad Jamie Spears has announced that he will step down from her conservatorship. This is a big win for the Free Britney movement, and for Britney herself.

They say quitting is bad…unless of course you’re bad at your job. In that case, giving up is your best option.

Happy Birthday Hip Hop!

August 11th 1973 marks the date that legendary Jamaican American DJ Kool Herc (Clive Campbell) threw an epic Back To School Jam for his little sister in the South Bronx at 1520 Sedgwick Avenue. This party is formally known as the birth of hip hop.

DJ Kool Herc is an innovator. His sound system setup paid homage to the iconic reggae selectors of his native Jamaica. For the first time on August 11th 1973, the crowd listened as he experimented with a new sound.

Using his turntables and the mixer’s crossfader, he live looped the rhythm section (the break beat) of records continuously and also blended records together…which had never been done before, as legend has it.

I’m truly a hip hop head, and so grateful for this man and the genre. It’s more than just music. It’s the pinnacle of black expression besides prayer (and this newsletter) honestly. It’s poetry over beats, not just any beats… there’s a science to all of it.

I feel a way to think about the South Bronx literally burning, often times intentionally, in the 1970s. That was the first PPP loan: landlords would set their blighted properties on fire to collect insurance money, leaving the poor to persist in the rubble.

It was these conditions from which one of the greatest loves of my life was born. Is it because I can relate to the feeling of despair? The angst and the anger of being born into a fucked up scenario that I did not choose?

Beyond the destruction, hip hop has paved the way for black wealth. Jokingly we questioned should we “rob Rihanna” last week because she’s a billionaire… but somewhere deep down inside it’s fly that she is because of why she is.

She got her start thanks to hip hop. She was signed by a Brooklyn rapper from Marcy Avenue. Hip Hop DJ Cipha Sounds was the first to play her on NYC radio… further emphasizing the grand importance of the DJ. If Kool Herc didn’t throw that party, would we have Fenty Beauty today?

Breakdancing will be a sport in the next Olympics and graffiti has become a corporate motif. Hip hop is global and more influential than even I know. I’m grateful for it as it has saved me a million times and still does.

I could go on and on about my favorite artform but I’ll just leave you with one of my favorite songs from the legendary Roots crew. Also my total mood right now:

If you enjoy Baddie5000, consider buying us a coffee. At the very least we will accept a a *like* on this post.

Peace.

I hope your August is off to an incredible start. I love August because it means summer is almost over. 🤷🏿‍♀️

The warm weather can be nice but it’s my forehead heat rash for me. As soon as the weather drops, my skin immediately improves as do my outfits.

Either way, I’m grateful for my skin as we all should be. This morning I was scrubbing away some dry skin from a healed blister (yum) and found myself just in awe of how our skin repairs itself. It takes some time, but it heals. Ditto. 🚧👷🏿

LATE

🕊 BLACK MUSIC ASCENSIONS 🎶

Recently we lost three iconic black musicians in the physical form:

Rest in Peace to…

Kelli Hand aka K-HAND, a DJ + musician from Detroit, the home of the black-originated genre techno. Here’s a video of Kelli doing her thing on the 1s and 2s in 2019 in Belgium:

Paul Johnson of Chicago was a legend of house music. Here he is spinning in 2017

Dennis ‘D.T’ Thomas, one of the founders of Kool & The Gang. Here is one of the most iconic songs in the history of music also, the title is quite biographical innit? Here’s the band performing on Soul Train in 1974:

🦉CENTRAL PARK KILLS OWL 🚛

In the most ironic series of events, an owl in Central Park was killed by a Central Park Conservancy maintenance vehicle. The park released this victim blaming statement:

What is the employment status of the driver?

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE

🇧🇧 RIHANNA IS A BILLIONAIRE 💰

At the very least I am happy that Rihanna is a black woman billionaire. But if you’re really woke you’re not supposed to publicly like billionaires. Is this an exception? Do you want to be woke more than you want wealth? Sound off in the comments.

I have personally contributed to Rihanna’s wealth by purchasing some Fenty beauty for myself and others over the years. I don’t wear concealer, but the highlighter is that girl! I wanted to like the lip gloss but it leaked in my purse…so never again.

Should we congratulate Robyn or rob her?

🤲🏻 GROPY GOVERNOR GASLIGHTING? 🛑

Dear Cuomo..stop touching people with your hands.

Andrew Cuomo, who we’ve touched on… I mean spoke about in volume 4 was found by my neighbor Letitia James’ investigative team, to have actually sexually assaulted the 11 women who said that he sexually assaulted them.

James’ team released their findings in this lengthy document which says the Gov did a lot of T&A grabbing, asking women if they have/will cheat on their partners, asking women to find him a girlfriend who can “handle pain,” etc.

The governor came back with his own lengthy document moments after saying that everyone was lying and that he was trying to help one of the women heal from being sexually abused by somebody else. What??? He also held a press conference which had a Microsoft Word slide show of him touching and kissing all sorts of people, as to prove his innocence.

This man is likely about to face several civil charges for his actions, but has not yet resigned despite his boss, Joe Biden saying he should.

Is it better to be kicked out, or to quit?

💉NYC PROOF OF VACCINATION? 🧾

Another politician who we can’t wait for him to get the fuck out of here, Mayor DeBlasio said he’s about to make in mandatory to show proof of vaccination in order to patronize some businesses.

As we previously said in volume 5, the honesty policy doesn’t work in this country…so people will just use fake vax cards, which have been on sale since the shot dropped.

Anti vaxxers are super upset about this new rule, when they should spend that energy on photoshop or in a scammer’s inbox trying to get their faux documentation!

The vaxxers vs the anti vaxxers is truly the real Verzuz

GREAT

💣LOX VS DIPSET VERZUZ 🔫

I don’t even know where to start with this one.

If you haven’t watched it, what is wrong with you please click here. If you don’t care to watch…and if you’re not a super hip hop head… see you next week girl. Like comment and subscribe. Coz I have lots to say….

This week, two legendary hip hop groups The LOX and Dipset went head to head in Madison Square Garden (in the theater part though, just to be clear).

I’m a fan of them both had anxiety when this was announced…like how the fuck is this gonna go?

The LOX demolished Dipset.

Avid mask wearer Fat Joe’s recap is really succinct and important. It is truly worth every 47 minutes:

As I’ve written in volume 10 Verzuz is based on a multitude of things such as: catalogue, clothing, stage presence and strategy. When discussing this battle ahead of it, I mentioned to a friend that I thought Dipset might win but it would be close.

I based this upon their influence on the culture…but that doesn’t matter in this arena. I wasn’t thinking this through. There is nothing more powerful than somebody who has something to prove. The LOX were seemingly the underdog in this fight. Never sleep on the underdog.

I should’ve known based on Dipset’s collaboration with Kith, and their copious amounts of “reunion” concerts, that they do every year…at a certain point it’s a scam, you guys just care about money.

Cam’ron is selling sexual enhancement powders on instagram…and not even in the cool, Travis Scott way.

Cam’Ron (who Fat Joe reveals was about to leave MSG thats why he was late to the stage) entered the ring after his groupmates with a horrible hairline & beach chair… as if this competition was about to be easy for him. It wasn’t. He may or may not have gotten booed at the end.

Styles P, juice shoppe guru called Dipset soft before it even started. The LOX opened with “Fuck You” one of my favorite songs and quite a way to set the scene.

They continued to in lock step obliterate Dipset with their natural rhyming ability, plant-based stamina (a little adderall too) and incredible stage presence.

The LOX had incredible strategy: they knew their vain Harlem opponents would attack their outfits so they did it first and leaned into it.

Jim Jones, who fell off the stage at one point, stopped the show at one moment for a jeweler to put a corny chain on his neck:

Juelz sported a horrible durag situation designed by Virgil and forgot majority of his lines, possibly thanks to substance abuse.

The Lox rapped every single word of theirs.

Juelz tried to call out The LOX for not having “girl songs” and then they played the Mariah Honey remix…at that point

I knew how great The LOX was but still didn’t expect this…

I just can’t believe this happened the way it did, although I should’ve expected it… Diplomatic Denial.

To make matters worse, immediately after winning… Kanye sent The LOX a private jet to join him in the locker room he’s sleeping in, while recording DONDA. He played their verses at his scam event on Friday. Still no album.

Where was the preparation????? Where was the plan? You can’t just win ‘cause you think you’re fly.

Anyway, to focus on the good times I will leave you with this Dipset classic freestyle from Da Basement

Just as a cute reminder, we are over half way done with 2021. Not to pressure you but to pressure you… if you've been wanting to make a change or try something new this year, do it now!

Stop waiting for tomorrow….whatever it is, just do that shit. If it doesn’t work at least you can say you tried? If you don’t try…it’ll never work.

Anyway yes, back to the newsletter… ✏️

LATE

9) RIP FRANKIE LONS

Singer Keyshia Cole’s mother, Frankie Lons passed away this week. Many of us came to know and love her via the family’s reality TV shows on BET. Frankie was open about her battles with addiction, but it was her vivacious spirit that was the most prevalent to me.

It has been reported that Frankie died over an overdose on her 61st birthday. I started thinking about what that could mean…to die on your birthday? The first thing that I found is that you’re more likely to die on your day of birth…it’s called “The Birthday Effect.”

Then, I discovered something a bit more beautiful: in Judaism apparently it is good luck/positive to die on your birthday. The Talmud teaches that Moses died on his 120th birthday, a sign that his life’s mission came to a “perfect end” on the same day it began. That’s low key fire. RIP Frankie!

8) KANYE WEST

If you’re one of those people who has cancelled Kanye and wish to not read or think about him you can skip this section and go to #7. But in the words of Britney Spears, “may the Lord wrap your mean ass up in joy.”

Kanye’s new album named after his iconic mom who passed away, DONDA, was supposed to come out on Friday and it has not so he’s literally late.

Not going to hold you I’m super thirsty to hear it because…

Kanye is definitely a stunt queen and is known to have delayed releases or re-releases because he continues to edit songs after they come out. It’s the dedication to perfection for me.

He had a listening event at Atlanta’s Mercedes Benz stadium for the album, where he didn’t utter a single word, nor did he move too much. I heard he’s sleeping in the stadium until the album is done. Jermaine Dupri had a good perspective:

I appreciated Kanye looking out for the HBCU’s in the Atlanta area:

At the event, Kanye played a brand new Jay-Z verse that legendary engineer Young Guru said was recorded earlier that day. Most people were happy that they were friends again, Hov talks about getting rid of the red hat in that verse…do click it^

I just can’t front on Kanye’s genius because he did and said stupid things. I’ve done and said stupid things before. The person he hurt the most is himself/his family and his legacy. But his music helps me.

I watched the entire first quarter of the Game 6 basketball game and I don’t do sports…just see his commercial with Beats By Dre and Sha’Carri Richardson. I see him as sometimes misguided, but quite obviously anointed.

7) SHA’CARRI’S WEED VS. RAPINOE’S CBD

Speaking of Sha’Carri…let’s get into the most heinous crime of the week.

Forbes Magazine wrote some article about alleged ally Megan Rapinoe and her CBD usage and company…and how cannabis has helped her prepare for the Olympics.

You’ll remember in Volume 12 we discussed extensively how Sha’Carri Richardson was banned from the Olympics for testing positive for marijuana.

What in the actual fuck. I know CBD and THC have different effects but they’re both compounds from the same plant.

The main difference is that CBD doesn’t work and it’s a fucking scam, that privileged people get to make money off of it and THC legally… while black and brown people are still incarcerated for THC to this very day.

This reminds me of when the press said that white New Orleans Katrina survivors were “finding” food while the black ones were “looting” it.

Even more so, it reminds me of how cocaine usage and sale has been glamorized by whites/Hollywood…while it’s cousin, crack’s sale and usage has been criminalized for black people. Ruining generations of families. Hence the title of this email.

This is dusty as fuck and that’s why America didn’t win any awards on the first day of the Olympics

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE

6) OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONY

Although I should’ve boycotted it because of Sha’Carri I did catch most of the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics because I love to watch the outfits, but that’s it.

I was not surprised to see Black culture all over the place:

The dancers were also tap-dancing which has American (but really African, British and Irish) slave/indentured servant origins, being popularized in minstrel shows.

As far as the outfits my favorites were Liberia by Telfar, as we announced in Volume 11

and Zambia

5) ROLLING LOUD DAYS 1+2

I don’t know why anyone would ever go to a festival again when they’ve all been streaming online for the past few years. I always make it my mission to watch every festival because I love live music…but I hate crowds.

Today is day 3 of the festival but I have watched a few of the best sets the past 2 days, as I said I would way back in Volume 2.

This event looks like a petri dish of Delta just swarming around, it was even giving Fyre Festival teas the night before it started:

I have been enjoying the performances though! The City Girls looked and did great, and so did Jamaican artist Shenseea who entered the stage from a jerk chicken grill coz she’s hot:

A lot of the audio on the Youtube streams sounds like the microphone is buried underneath the rubble of that Miami building that collapsed recently, respectfully.

Don Toliver had a great set and performance, probably my favorite so far… 🍄

4) JOEL OSTEEN IS RICH

A lot of people were mad this week about how rich the preacher Joel Osteen is and how many cars he has…

I don’t think God likes haters so I won’t hate. I totally understand the outrage and I remember when he locked the doors of his church during that storm but… I really don’t think people would listen to a broke preacher.

How are we supposed to follow you..and you ain’t getting to the bag? You coming to the sermon in the same suit from last week? I don’t know about all that.

GREAT

3) SPORTS ILLUSTRATED IS WOKE

Sports Illustrated went super sexy woke this year for their Swimsuit edition by targeting every group that everyone has only recently in the last year and a half started to publicly care about…asian women, black women, trans women!

All of these ladies look absolutely gorgeous and are motivating me to continue with my diet and exercise regimen. Don’t you just love how media works hard to make us all feel great about ourselves? Lol.

2) LIL NAS X IS A MARKETING GENIUS

Lil Nas X deserves a Clio for his marketing prowess… I’ll be getting one soon as well. This man came out the gate bussin’. Trolling us all every step of the way, using real life as a roll out plan. This past Monday he went to court for his Nike lawsuit over those Devil Shoes. Early that morning he released this genius court promo skit for his new song. He channels Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy and general black genius:

Then on Friday he released the full music video: jail themed featuring lots of men in hot pink twerking naked behind bars.

Whether you like him or not doesn’t matter. He knows how to control the narrative. I’m the contrarian type of chick that likes to lean into the taboo…when you can laugh at whatever’s meant to hurt you… it no longer can.

I’m about to get “control the narrative,” tattooed on my throat, that’s how strongly I feel about it.

1) HBIC’S OF THE WEEK

This week’s HBIC are Jayla + Emani, the first ever black girl duo to win Harvard’s debate competition. Which makes no sense to me because as a fellow black girl…nobody can win a debate against us. It’s not even wise to try it.

Let us congratulate and uplift these young queens who will hopefully soon take over the world…because Lord knows the people in charge need an overhaul.

I am done here! PLEASE NOTE THE FOLLOWING SCHEDULE, WE ARE OFF NEXT WEEKEND TO ENJOY LIFE…

Sunday August 1st ~ Ya gets NOTHING, we are off to do hoodrat shit with our friends

Sunday August 8th~ We return with Volume 16 !!!!!!

Ya’ll be good now…ya hear?

XO

Baddie5000

I have never called them that. Click here to hear what I call them as I express my brief astonishment for 30 seconds, regarding this matter.

What’s really good with ya’ll? Since I truly only have control over myself, I am feeling great about my current immaculate vibes! I wish the same for you.

A few people have asked me to create a “Buy me a Coffee” account where you can donate some coins if you like what you read. I am by no means begging, but if you really wanna bless your girl..click here.

Now let us jump into the messes, successes and everything in between from last week:

LATE

7) Da Baby =Cheap Righteous Teacher

Maybe he was trying to instill something about greed/honesty/humility…but for some reason him being the messenger as his social media team captured it all…did nothing but make him look like a cheap cornball to me!

This week, rapper Da Baby was approached by some children selling candy who were opportunists of their own… as they tried charging $200 for the box, because he can afford it. Instead, he gave them $2 a piece as to teach them some form of a lesson.

Honesty is important, but rappers are always telling us they’re not role models, so why try to be one now? Is it Oochie Wally Wally or is it One Mic?

Plus the producer in me is quivering, did his team ask the children’s parents for permission to post this tomfoolery?

6) RIP BIZ MARKIE

A goofy ass rapper like Da Baby wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for the late legend Biz Markie, known lovingly as the “Clown Prince of Hip Hop.”

On Friday it was announced that Biz passed away after dealing with some health complications. He was only 57 years old. I’m so tired of hearing about black men dying so young :(

Biz was a pioneer in the most popular art form in the world. He was known for his vividly fun storytelling raps and music videos, top tier DJing skills and incredible beatboxing talent.

I was super blessed to see him spin at the Uncut Gems premiere after party at Katz Deli in late 2019. May he Rest in Peace.

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE

5) BALENCIAGA + ASICS = BASIC

For some reason people were surprised that Balenciaga’s new sneakers look like Asics, but mostly all of their sneakers look like a dad sneaker on Ketamine.

Yes, these sneakers are hideous but people are definitely going to buy them just to say they have the latest designer trainers. That’s why I can’t fully hate on Balenciaga for doing what they’ve been doing for some years now.

I think it be kind of cool to be a cool creative attorney (not a regular one) at Balenciaga whose sole job was to approve/tweak designs as not to get sued by Asics. Should I take the LSAT again?

4) DEFUND “DURK & INDIA ARE RELATIONSHIP GOALS” MEMES

This week, constantly-in-mourning Chicago rapper Lil Durk and his girlfriend India were involved in a shoot out in their home with intruders. Allegedly both of them pulled out weapons and fired in self defense.

Instantly, internet idiots made memes about how this incident was some form of a relationship goal, even immortalizing it in horrible cartoon:

Durk did say on “No More Parties (Remix)” that him and India were relationship goals, but that was before this shooting. I wonder how he’ll rap about this incident…

While of course I’m glad that they are both okay, I hate that people think anything about this situation is cool or desirable. People called them Bonnie & Clyde, not remembering that they were both killed in gunfire.

I’m not into the glorification of trauma, but that’s just me though.

GREAT

3) DETROIT WOMAN IS HBIC OF THE WEEK

A woman from Detroit went viral this week for tracking down the man who stole her car and then had him dragged out of the barbershop by his hair.

She slashed her own tires so he couldn’t get away, while patrons of the barbershop held him down before the police came. He is now behind bars, no thanks to the police.

This was quite an adventure and I’m sorry she had to go through this, but I celebrate her strength, wisdom and detective skills. This is a quintessential example of, “if you want something done right…you gotta do it yourself.”

2) CORNEL WEST QUITS HARVARD

Likely inspired by Nikole Hannah Jones’ money moves that we discussed in last week’s volume 13, Harvard professor Cornel West announced his resignation from the University on Twitter:

In the letter, he accuses Harvard of “intellectual and spiritual bankruptcy,” and earlier this year had announced he was giving up his quest for tenure at the University.

He also cites the death of his mother, and the lack of responses from his colleagues.. saying that if it were about a lecture, he’d likely receive numerous responses.

This just reinforces the fact that prestigious institutions are not put in place to love you… they’re more interested in what you can do for them.

May we all feel inspired to take back our power in some shape or form.

1) BRITNEY SPEARS CLAPS BACK

This week the courts granted her the ability to hire a new lawyer to sue her family for the horrendous control they have over her life (we touched on this briefly in vol 11) and she seemingly celebrated/vented via memes + captions which GAVE ME LIFE:

First it was this post about the pineal gland that sparked my interest:

It made me so happy to know she is truly awakening in the best way possible: inside her soul. Then it was this post that I felt in my chest:

Nothing like a stolen meme that looks like it was made on an Android to really resonate.

In the caption of the above post (must read) she subtweets her sister who spoke out about her situation, but never offered to help her… “did you put your hand out when I was drowning?” Phew! Relatable content

In the words of Lauryn Hill:

“hypocrites always wanna play innocent, always wanna take it to the full out extent. Always wanna make it seem like good intent, never wanna face it when it’s time for punishment.”

Finally, in the below post’s caption (mandatory reading) she calls out her sister + family’s trickery directly

She details how they forced her to do that Vegas residency and how she’s no longer going to get on stage to make her greedy ass family rich…like Cornel West, she quits!

She writes, “my so-called support system hurt me deeply,” and I can relate as I’m still recovering from a close range hurt as well.

We think we know people until they show us who they really are. Or is it, that they never really knew us, at all?

As my cynical genius mother always tells me, “don’t put nothing past nobody.” She’s right.

Wishing you all the ability to lower your expectations of others, so that they have less opportunity to disappoint you. Thanks for reading.

Xo,

Baddie5000

I ran some social polls and seems like many other deeply Brooklyn/urban people also pronounce it nowahlatahs. Feels good to know I am not alone.

For anyone reading this online and not via email: you miss out on the custom banners I make every week, which are sometimes really good. That’s why you need to become an email subscriber. We are almost at 150! Which is nuts because I don’t know 150 people in real life. If I do, I have repressed them all in my healing journey.

If you’re new, every Sunday we break down events in the week as either “late,” “great,” or “neither here nor there.” That’s what we finna do right now:

LATE

7) Michael Rubin’s All White 4th of July Party

Last week volume 12 ‘s intro speaks in jest or in seriousness about how July 4th is the best day to test someone’s wokeness: are they celebrating America’s birthday or nah?

But, once you’re wealthy you don’t really have to be woke anymore. Green becomes your most important color. Except for that one time a Hermes employee profiled Oprah Thee Winfrey when she was trying to buy a Birkin. Disgusting.

Philadelphia Sixer’s co-owner, billionaire and Meek Mill’s white best friend Michael Rubin stole Diddy’s concept: and had an all white party for the 4th of July.

Should white people be allowed to have “all white parties.” ? I know it refers to the dress code, but it doesn’t feel right to me considering all these social cancellations and the new found wokeness afoot. But can billionaires even get cancelled?

There was a whole lot of money in that MF with other billionaire attendees and best buds Robert Kraft and Jay-Z (you’ll recall we talked about this 1%er bromance of Kraft x Hov x Rubin in volume 9) and a slew of other less rich famous people.

Here are some highlights from the party:

-Uzi had a dance off from Bobby Shmurda...when we really just want to know if the former really assaulted/stuck a gun in his ex’s belly...and when will the latter finally release music?

-JT of the City Girls said Beyonce complimented her.

-James Harden (rap game unicorn) was openly cheating on Lil Baby by tickling Meek?

-Meek (highly sensitive on the skin and the emotions) allegedly got into it with Travis Scott at this event.

-Beyonce posed for 0 photos at this party, and didn’t post any either. Which is why it’s in the late category.

6) Diddy Claims He Had 15 Roaches on His Face

Although absolutely nobody asked him, Diddy let us know about a personal awakening he had one day after waking up with 15 roaches on his face.

I just do not believe this, and find it offensive to those who actually have roaches (not me, but ya’ll that do). The internet started making all of these unfunny jokes about the matter “rT iF yOu’Re oNe oF tHe RoAcHeS on DiDdy’S fAce,” and other posts like that.

However, for me I felt the most for Janice Combs…Diddy’s mom.

I just want to know what stage of Diddy’s life did he have 15 roaches on his face? I can’t see this being in Janice’s home. Plus, Diddy’s dad was allegedly a pusherman who worked alongside Frank Lucas. Although he died when he was 3… I just can’t see Janice putting her child in this predicament!

When ya’ll try to flex about how hard you had it…please remember you’re embarrassing your mothers.

5) James Harden & Lil Baby’s Bromance

Something rubs me the wrong way about James Harden in general… but especially his on going fling with Lil Baby. Of course, I believe it’s important to love who you want to love. There’s just something about Harden I don’t trust, and makes me feel squeamish. My intuition is very strong and I’m usually never wrong.

For Lil Baby’s birthday months back, James Harden upstaged Lil Baby’s actual girl by giving him 100K, a Richard Mille watch and a bunch of literal honey buns. Honey bun is slang for $100,000. I just hope they didn’t actually eat the buns way too much sugar and they have too much money for struggle snacks.

Anyway Lil Baby and James Harden have been seen frolicking awkwardly as fuck in the Parisian streets. Le Baby! Le Baby!

Shortly after this, Lil Baby was arrested briefly for marijuana possession but he’s out now. This really pissed me off. Harden isn’t playing right now, so why couldn’t he say it was his weed? From what I understand this guy is good in the beginning of the season but stinks when it really counts. Which is clear in this scenario.

Like I said, I don’t trust this guy and plenty of other people don’t know either one of them, just like me, seem to agree in the comments (best source of information known to modern man.)

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE

4) Vax That Thang Up

Nostalgic Louisiana rappers Juvenile, Mannie Fresh and Mia X were commissioned by black dating app BLK to remix “Back That Ass Up” in support of getting black people to take the vaccine:

As a black that works in marketing, I’m all for people getting their coin where they can especially Mia X! And, I suppose this is a good message to spread right? I haven’t grown any strange limbs after my vaccine but now it won’t cover the Delta strain?

Naturally, many black people have had a strong aversion to the vaccine due to the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment, where the government purposely didn’t treat hundreds of poor black Southern men with the disease although said they were treating them…as to study the effects of non-treatment.

Take one look at the YouTube comments of the above video to see what I mean… and the votes, 13K thumbs up and 15K thumbs down. Damn! The raps are pretty cringe, I’m not going to lie.

But, with only 35% vaccination rate in Louisiana… I suppose I understand Vax That Ass Up.

In digital marketing, views are the only thing that really matters…whether people hate it or love it. They’re talking so the campaign was likely a success in BLK’s eyes. BLK is owned by Match.com but they have a black man running it… if that makes any of the black people shading this feel better? Probably not.

3) Empire State Building Fireworks

For the 4th of July, our city which is notoriously really smart at spending money decided to shoot fireworks from the top of the Empire State Building.

I can’t tell if this is tight, or traumatic? I definitely can see Cuomo in his extravagant Italian glory demanding we do a really big display in honor of the healthcare workers.

But what about the healthcare workers who survived 9/11? Should we do these cool drone fireworks instead since many people, gentrifiers mostly, can’t tell the audio difference between them & gunshots?

Also, most importantly…how can Cuomo spend money on giving us more skyscraper trauma when he needs to invest on fixing the infrastructure. This week’s storm proved it.

Why didn’t any of those people wading through murky MTA floodwaters this week… use one of those free newspaper dispensers as a floating device? Or at least, find an alternate route? God bless them and their eternally soiled skin 🙏🏿

GREAT

2) Police Fails

I saw this amazing video of a police officer on a bike trying to pop a wheelie (you’ll never be a 12’o clock boy, pal!) and bust his ass this week. In trying to find it again, I now realize it’s from 2019. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t still great and that it shouldn’t still be celebrated today:

I guess in more timely news, this week a judge decided that the city and doofy DeBlasio can be sued on the strength of how poorly NYPD acted last summer.

One of the suits was brought forth by Letitia James, our Attorney General whom I see often at the Food Emporium on my block. It makes sense that we’re neighbors, since we are both those girls!

One of the coolest things (if politicians can be considered “cool”) about James… other than the fact that she is the first black to hold statewide office in New York and the first woman to be elected attorney general… is that she got her JD at Howard University. Very black, very cool.

1) Nikole Hannah Jones to UNC

Speaking of HBCUs… let’s talk about the HBIC of the week, Nikole Hannah Jones. The New York Times journalist of 1619 fame, has declined her dusty, second-hand tenure offer from University of North Carolina Chapel Hill and will be taking her talents to Howard University, instead!

As Twitter philosophers have pointed out, why should you go where you’re tolerated? Go where you’re appreciated!

As a brief back story, UNC...who last peaked when Jay-Z and Mya wore their jerseys in the “Best of Me” video, wasn’t trying to grant Jones tenure in her role as some special professor. However, all of her predecessors in the role were granted tenure. Although Jones is a MacArthur Genius grant recipient, she’s still black and challenging the power structure, so I’m not surprised.

UNC caught heat and eventually tried to offer her tenure to which she said

I’m soooo prada her. This truly invigorated my black academic soul when she announced it. Take a look at her official statement here.

Despite (mostly?) all of the HBCU’s being founded and named after white people...this is lit as fuck.

I wish I could place a camera on top of a roach in the cafeteria to see the moment when Jones bumps into Cosby apologist and Howard Dean of Students, Phylicia Rashad (if she isn’t forced to step down)!

Even if I did do this incredible journalistic act, it probably wouldn’t go half as as viral as Diddy’s fake roach story. The truth hurts.

XO,

Baddie5000

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If you’re really about that woke fairy tale, you won’t celebrate anything at all today. You’ll sit in solitude and reflect, or do some activist organizing to better your local community.

If you are online-woke, on your feed today you’ll see many memes competing against each other in the struggle olympics: which disenfranchised group got fucked over by America more? The answer is all of them.

As for me, if I don’t stop by a familial BBQ, or get a massage, I’ll be ordering oysters to my high rise apartment while being black and beautiful simultaneously.

This week was truly active, so let’s get to it. I will try not to keep you long. Allegedly.

LATE

10) Heat Wave Alerts

Earlier last week, New York City experienced some form of a heatwave which I barely noticed because my 90 lb air conditioner which I installed by myself, has 12,000 BTUs.

When I did have to go outside, I dressed in light colored clothing and brought a frozen water bottle, miniature fan and a handkerchief to wipe my sweat… as a lady does.

At the height of the heatwave, NYC officials had the nerve to send a AC Amber Alert, asking us to conserve energy so we didn’t have a blackout. Many witty online users pointed out that Time Square was still lit up… despite them telling us to turn off appliances.

This was pretty American: attacking the little man instead of attacking the system. However, those jumbotrons in Times Square cost upwards of millions of dollars to advertise on… and we can’t waste ad dollars!

9) Another Times Square Shooting

Speaking of Times Square, the wretched area experienced yet another shooting last Sunday. You’ll recall the last shooting in May, which we discussed in volume 5. Both of these shootings took place ON THE LITERAL BLOCK OF MY “JOB.” So it’s safe to say, I will be working from home forever…because I’m not going back to this war zone!

In this shooting a 21 year old marine was shot, but I think he’s still alive. Can you imagine being in the military only to be shot off duty amongst pushy people in filthy, fuzzy, cartoon character outfits?

Our doofy mayor says he will flood the area with more cops. I haven’t heard anything about them catching the shooter yet, though.

8) The Olympics in general

Other than hiring Telfar to design the Liberian uniforms as discussed in volume 11, the Olympics are super lame for several reasons. Not only do they build massive structures which they abandon and are never used again (check out this incredible slideshow of such) they are seemingly racist!

Other than the Sha’Carri debacle which we will discuss twice, the Olympics are under fire for banning “Soul Caps.” These swimming caps were designed for athletes with afros, or voluminous coily hair…AKA black people.

The Olympics came out and said that the caps do not “fit the natural form of the head,” which sounds like Eugenics.

People are also coming for the Olympics because of a scandal involving some black female athletes from Africa who have been banned for having high testosterone levels.

It makes sense to me that they have high testosterone levels because black women have the most balls out of everyone I’ve ever seen.

Fuck the Olympics!

7) Sha’Carri’s Suspension

Our Queen, Sha’Carri Richardson has been banned from the Olympics for 30 days, so now we don’t have to pretend to care about sports. She failed a drug test because she was smoking on high grade marijuana, which is her constitutional right as an American.

Everyone is pretty bummed—I’m sure not more than Sha’carri herself; but she’s 21 years old. If you were making perfect decisions at that age…good for you, but most of us…not so much.

What I really didn’t appreciate was this “journalist” named Claire Lehmann who tried to come for Sha’carri (and Flo Jo!) insinuating that she’s “doping,” because of her long nails…which are clearly artificial + acrylic, albeit beautiful. Weed doesn’t make you good at sports, or else I would be in the Olympics.

I love how this man clapped back:

I just wish Sha’Carri had smuggled in clean urine, like Lamar Odom did in the 2004 Olympics.

America is literally the land of “get it how you live.” If you’re not breaking at least one rule to benefit yourself, you’re not an American. Our entire structure is based on lies; manipulation is as American as apple pie.

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE

6) Sha’Carri’s Suspension

On the contrary, I do believe that everything happens for a reason.

In reading on this story I learned that a REPORTER told Richardson that her biological mother had just passed away. We just watched Naomi Osaka (as discussed in vol 8 ) drop out of some sports thing because of THE PRESS and their impact on her mental health.

As many pointed out, if your mom died…marijuana might be the mildest thing you’re found smoking. It must’ve really sucked to learn about this tragedy this way, and still be expected to perform because everyone wants you to.

What has come through the most for me…is every one else’s desires FOR Sha’Carri… with no concern about what she actually needs. The Olympics are going no where, and we should prioritize her healing above any organized sport.

She still has a chance to compete later on in the Olympics, and as Cardi B pointed out…when she wins at the next Olympics, it’ll be even better because of all that she’s had to overcome.

Don’t worry Sha’Carri— you are still THAT GIRL.

5) BET Awards

I watch every black awards show, so I couldn’t miss this. But as one of my favorites Gunna (who is hospitalized, please get well soon!) pointed out…the fashions were questionable:

but overall I guess the show was cute. Some highlights of the show were:

-Lil Kim’s Prada Bangs (which 50 cent insulted but later deleted), and her saying she wants to do a Verzuz with Nicki

-Lil Nas X kissed his dancer on stage, as a publicity stunt for Pride

-Queen Latifah got overdue praise, and kind of came out on stage for Pride

-Cardi B announced her pregnancy, following the Beyonce marketing plan.

4) Bill Cosby Released

Welcome to America where you can admit to drugging women and get out of jail, but you can’t ingest medicinal plants for your own healing.

Bill Cosby is out of jail, which I guess sucks for the victims. But, he’s super old and maybe he should’ve just been on house arrest until he dies? I do have sympathy for the aging, I think. Some people pointed out that “more dangerous” people have been let out, and that he should be free. I don’t know about all of that.

I may lose some black points here but: I was never that into the Cosby show and I never saw him as a father figure. I saw him as an awkward man with bad jokes…who was creepy back then to be a doctor, even if just on TV. Do we think he put quaaludes in the jelly pudding?

I just hope R.Kelly isn’t next.

3) Pooh Shiesty Indicted

Yikes. We have discussed this man in past volumes both volume 9 and volume 10 so please read to catch up.

This week he has been officially indicted for the shooting that we’ve previously discussed. This is in neither here nor there due to the evidence used in his indictment:

Apparently one of the bills found on the scene of the crime…can also be found in one of Shiesty’s IG posts if you pay attention to the serial numbers. This is the most 2021 indictment ever. Ya’ll gotta move a little smarter out here because the feds are clearly online!

GREAT

2) Richard Branson will go to space before Jeff Bezos?

I’m living for this space race between the white billionaires…super excited for them to be off of our planet. Branson, Elon and Bezos can all go and stay in my opinion.

Also, is it this man’s fault that the Virgin Mega Store closed? More of a reason to send him on a one way trip out of my face. Bye!

1) NCAA Changes Endorsement Rules

This week the NCAA change their rules about college players and endorsements. They finally will end their legal slavery and allow athletes to make some coin off of their NIL (name, image and likeness) vs. their schools/other stakeholders getting all the money.

This is way overdue, and I’m wondering if they’re handing out back pay?

In pure black excellence, Master P’s son signed a $2 million dollar deal the day after the rule change was announced. The best part is he will be playing for a HBCU.

This is the epitome of “if you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready.”

That’s all I have people. Make sure to follow Baddie5000 on Twitter

and most importantly please mind the business that pays you (which isn’t mine).

XO,

Baddie5000