the world is your 48 oysters 🦪

volume 27

It’s been awhile. Where have I been, you ask? What had happened was…

Matter of fact— after an emotionally exhausting week in corporate as a skrong black lady, I lack the energy to explain myself.

The good thing is, I’m back to speak about other people’s business. I forgot how freeing that is, because in the real world I tend to mind my own.

I do hope you’ve been as well as one can be in light of all the chaos in the world, such as the solar eclipse in Libra yesterday.

As for me I’ve been standing on business, as they say online. In fact that’s the primary source of exercise of my bloodline for the past thousands of years. Who am I to not carry on tradition?

I’m back for today at least, so no need to send out an

EBONY ALERT

California has introduced the “Ebony Alert” which is the black “Amber Alert,” and I wish I were present for the naming brainstorm. Should we be using the same adjectives as the pornography industry, would be my first question.

It’s giving damned if you do— damned if you don’t. It’s true that missing black children are grossly ignored compared to whites. But will the special classification aid in helping people care more? Won’t racists simply ignore these alerts? Plus, all the Ambers I know are Black…

They didn’t announce any additional resources, just a race based naming convention. It feels like a semantic segregation of sorts— were you guys just not issuing Ambers for missing black people and/or not looking that hard?

As we say in the Ebony community— something ain’t clean in da buttermilk.

ICE SPICE ON SNL

Our high yella rap queen who is thicker than heavy cream, made her SNL debut last night. I was highly disappointed that they didn’t put her in any sketches… but that may go against her super cool persona that her handlers have carved out for her. She’s the coldest source of water coming out of the Bronx right now. Without the legionnaires.

Her set design was tragic and not safe for epileptics but I was thrilled to see her rock her ginger Afro on national television, as a strong Ebony queen.

You know how the TikTok Negro slogan goes… when you're black you're never really lonely because there will always be a white person all up in your business…

@elijahgallowayCan’t even crack a smile in cracker barrel😂😭😭 #fyp #crackerbarrel #beingblack #foryou

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Much like her Decent Donut commercial where she had to share the spotlight with disgruntled in the face Ben Affleck…elongated backed Taylor Swift popped up last night to introduce Ice like somebody asked for that. Blacks need an Alabaster Alert where yt ppl go missing…from our business.

JADA PINKETT OVERSHARES AGAIN

To make things balanced and fair, I will report on a black woman who should likely get lost [from the headlines] sans alert.

Jada Pinkett Smith has made it her business over the years to tell us too much about her life, and at this point I’m begging her to stop. She’s promoting a book this week so she decided to reveal a secret about her dead soulmate who she loves more than her husband: Tupac had alopecia, just like her. Leads me to ask…

She may have no hair but she has lots of mouth.

Also in the news is that Tupac’s murder has finally been “solved,” which could’ve been happened if the police were terminally online like me. That should be the focus, not his hidden medical secrets that he didn’t want anyone to know?

I will say Tupac’s legendary baldhead being the result of a medical issue is a perfect example of how Ebony folk take something not so great and turn it into a classic, undeniable cultural fixture. Like oxtails.

Is his estate still just doing anything and everything? If I were the unwell CMO of Alopecia Anonymous I would commission his hologram as our next influencer, in light of this new news.

CHESS NOT CHECKERS

I won’t hold you, I don’t know how to play chess and I was never into the rules: the white pieces have the first move. But to be honest…that reflects real life, so perhaps I should accept it and learn how to play the game?

This week Beyonce showed up at Taylor Swift’s (2 mentions of her in this volume, yikes sry) movie premiere, looking better than her but full of grace. Beyonce has her own concert movie coming out, and those two are the top dogs of entertainment. I saw it as a strategic move that I can learn from.

Sure, Taylor is her “opp” in terms of career I guess…but Beyonce isn’t threatened because she KNOWS she’s that girl.

Despite how you really feel inside, the world is always going to take better to those who know how to show up and visibly support everyone— even their competition.

Unlike Jada Pinkett— Beyonce doesn’t spill all her tea. She bread crumbs personal anecdotes in her music— she puts all the passion into her actual craft. While protecting her privacy and her peace. She’s not the messy girl in feuds, she’s the hardworking icon.

That doesn’t mean she over looks things… many know how serious Beyonce takes her work. She’s notoriously known as “hard to work with,” but not in the ways that some other black women get labeled.

Her attitude, if she has one, is rooted in dedication to her artistic vision…me too mostly, but I’ve learned it doesn’t always come off that way.

I’m not Beyonce, but I am pushing for greatness by any means necessary. But I should also push for kindness and peace simultaneously (boring, but beneficial).

To be honest, Taylor is probably intimidated by Beyonce as she should be…but Beyonce showing up to support her lil film eases that blow.

I’m not saying we should attend our opp’s events— I’m just noting the ways in which I’m being forced to learn how to coexist with others whether we like each other or not. Life is like the contrived hugging session at the end of SNL

I don’t want to be a case of “when keeping it real goes wrong.” The Ebony instinct to avoid faking the funk…has to be rooted in trauma. There is benefit in being phony, it makes people like you more.

Sometimes I wanna be like my fellow Pisces orphan, Steve Jobs (RIP) and say fuck them kids…because I’m busy over here trying to make the iPhone.

But I do believe negative feelings like stress and arrogance manifest into health issues, so maybe I should pump the breaks and try a little tenderness on some Otis Redding type of time.

I’m kinda rambling at this point, yet still spitting facts how I usually do. I’ll wrap this up…

LISTEN TO THIS SONG NOW!

I’ll leave you with the best song of the week by Afrobeats artist Victor Thompson, Ehis ‘D’ Greatest and the undeniably talented Atlanta king (do not play with that boy he is not one of them), Gunna.

Gunna really speaks to my heart with his concisely poignant lyrics,

“Life's hard, still blessed. Whole walking testimony.”

Thanks for reading as always. Please drop a like, leave a comment, share with a friend if you enjoyed this volume. Also read my archives.

From the depths of my luke warm soul I am wishing you everything you’ve been wanting, manifesting for your life. Whether that be four pro-bono trays of oysters…or more volumes of this newsletter.

-Baddie5000