buy the rumor, sell the newsletter
Don’t be alarmed by the title of the newsletter, it’s still free…for now. Read all the way to #2 to find out what I mean by this if you don’t get the reference.
Since the calendar says you should be spending today spending money on your mother and then posting about it on the internet, I won’t keep you too long. Or will I?
10) Caitlyn Jenner in general
Kylie’s mom has got it all wrong. Please read this to the tune of Stacy’s Mom. Although it doesn’t take political experience to be a politician in this country, that doesn’t mean Caitlyn should do it. She is a walking hypocrite who needs to be quarantined.
A few days later, Caitlyn got on national TV and complained that her friends were leaving California because of the homeless people. Maybe they’re leaving to get away from you, being that you killed someone and faced no charges. Like a cop.
I honestly feel terrible for the trans community that they have to be associated with Caitlyn, who is going out sad trying to appeal to rabid Republicans. They don’t like you either, girl. Nobody does.
9) Jake Paul vs. Floyd Mayweather
This week, in anticipation for their fake boxing match these two bros had some form of a press conference in which Jake Paul got a black eye (already!) after he stole Floyd Mayweather’s hat. Immediately after the “altercation” Paul had…hats for sale on his website with the catch phrase he uttered to Floyd, when he stole Floyd’s hat seen below:
I’m upset that I’m even writing about this adding more SEO into the ether for both parties. Earlier in the week, I watched Floyd Mayweather on Gillo & Wallo’s podcast inform us all that he’s an investor in 9 NYC skyscrapers. No wonder his daughter Yaya is out here doing whatever she wants….and I mean whatever she wants like being NBA Youngboy’s umpteenth baby momma, proudly.
Jake Paul & Floyd Mayweather’s upcoming boxing match is clearly a joke designed to get a few people rich, like dogecoin. Neither of these men have the most moral of compasses but don’t hate the player…hate the game, right? Anyway I hope Floyd wins, because of the race card.
8) A tie for THE WORST photo of the week
What an utter mess. From using a wide angle lens in a tight space with crouching subjects….to having horrifically hued foundation, lighting and image editors (Lawd I hope she not bleaching. She spends too much time in the sun playing tennis to use cakesoap!)….what is going on in the world of photographs?
Also I know the CDC said we don’t have to wear masks once we’re vaccinated, but The Carters are too old to be forced to go down in our visual history, this way. Let us pray for every party above.
7) 20 Year Old Pop Smoke Killed by a 15 year old over $2,000
This was definitely the saddest story of the week. The numbers in the headline above just do not compute. Pop Smoke’s teenaged killer allegedly snitched on himself to his cell mate, saying that they robbed Pop while he was in the shower for his Rolex watch…then later shot him dead. They only got $2,000 for the Rolex. Not to say that if they got more for it, that would be justified…but it truly shows you the mindset of the killers. Small.
I’m still pretty spooked out by the fact that, allegedly, the killers got Pop Smoke’s address from his IG Live on a gift package from Amiri… the denim company that Pop Smoke literally made cool in song and on his body.
Another reminder that not everything is for the gram, you never know which weakling with nothing to live for… is waiting in the wing, watching and plotting. Rest in Peace, Pop Smoke.
NEITHER HERE NOR THERE
6) India produces vaccine for the world, then suffers the 2nd highest # of deaths…Pfizer to step in and help?
On Tuesday, India passed 20 million COVID cases, second only to the home of the free, America. Nearly a quarter million people have died in India…despite them being the world’s largest vaccine producer. They sent out millions of doses and now they have their own personal shortage.
Some say the country’s international exportation is to blame, in conjunction with quarantine rules being lifted for religions and political events. Read more about it from real news professionals here or your favorite outlet.
Pfizer came out this week (as they should, since they made 3.5 BILLION dollars the first quarter) saying that they will supply every COVID patient in India with medical treatment for 90 days.
Buddha says life is suffering, and this must be what he meant. It almost makes you feel like, why should you ever do something for someone else when shit like this happens? But still we must live to help others.
5) Two Boring All Gray Sneaker Collaborations
If you’re making a sneaker alone…sure, make it all one color (although not advised unless very ill)…but a collaboration, isn’t that supposed to be something a bit more magnificently thought out? I’m a color lover, in fact I need various swatches to survive. Which is why I won’t be buying either of these boring gray collab sneakers
Puma x The Marathon Continues (RIP Nipsey tho)
The MTA (huh?) x New Balance (we still remember when you supported Trump)
This one confuses me, it’s apart of “New Balance Made in England” but a collaboration with the MTA? With the UK flag? See, this is exactly what’s wrong with colonization…we still speak their language and now they’re repping their bloody flag on OUR subway sneakers?
High Snobiety said these sneakers was “made to wear on the MTA” and I know they fucking lying. Nothing suede is made to wear on a subway system filled with mysterious liquids at any given moment. I know one thing, since they selling sneakers and shit…MTA better keep that fare at a cute $2.75 which is still high as it is…for what it is.
4) Cuomo (the reason why this couldn’t be in the greats) grants voting rights to felons
But then said some dumb shit afterwards. Focusing on the good first, our super sensual governor has granted voting rights to felons, deeming them eligible voters upon release. This of course is a great thing in general, especially given Republicans catching hernias trying to restrict voting laws. I just hope he didn’t do this secretly because he plans to run in Washington (don’t say it can’t happen look at our last prez).
This is a big move, it’s almost as big as Wallo (Philly millionaire, former felon) gathering a group of felons in support of Larry Krasner for Philly DA.
Philadelphia is much more advanced than New York because their felon voting rights were already automatically restored upon reentry into society. Allegedly, as per Instagram comments, the cops don’t love Krasner…I need to check out the PBS show about his DA office!
Oh and after restoring felon voting rights, Cuomo then said homeless people shouldn’t be sleeping underground in the subway…even though the MTA is way better than any state/city run shelters. Sounding very Caitlyn, Cuomo.
3) Bobby Shmurda’s Harriet Tubman Tattoo
Speaking of underground railroads, Bobby Shmurda got a tattoo of Harriet Tubman this week!
While some idiots made fun of this, I absolutely adore this. It’s far more impactful on paper than my self proposed Aunt Jemima tattoo, which I still may get. Shmurda says that he got the tattoo because Tubman is his idol, along with his mother and grandmother. Same ! In the words of Tubman,
“God’s time is always near. He set the North Star in the heavens; He gave me the strength in my limbs; He meant I should be free.”
2) Dogecoin gains
Some of you might be saying, “Dogecoin was great…
That’s because I sold a bunch of my coins ahead of Elon on SNL. After his appearance on the barely funny show last night, the stock tanked now trading at .53. I bought in at 6 cents and made my money back 8 times over…listening to the crypto trader motto, “buy the rumor, sell the news.” Basically, I struck while the iron was hot, letting the speculation run the coin up and then selling while still up. If it dips down lower, I might buy more…but I’m still happy I multiplied my initial bag. Only invest what' you’re willing to lose, ya’ll
1) Michael Che’s New HBO Show
Substack is telling me I’m reaching my character limit…you still here? I won’t give away everything in the show but…it’s pretty fucking good. I’m a harsh critic too. Che’s new show on HBO, That Damn Michael Che is the Black SNL…but funny. This tweet sums it up well:
The fact that Che’s show deals primarily with black issues (he wanted to originally call it “That Black Ass Michael Che” but HBO said now) gives insight to the SNL writers room where only the wack jokes survive. Although the Gen Z Hospital sketch last night was pretty funny, Che clearly wrote it
His show is 6 episodes of sketch comedy including cartoons, Billy Porter, Geoffrey Owens and more. Che skillfully and comedically discusses topical issues like: Karens, annoying woke whites, black vaccine hesitancy, police brutality, is Shaun King White and other serious issues in the black community.
Plus the theme song is from The Temptations:
For someone who wasn’t feeling well, and said I would keep you long… I sure had a lot to say. Thanks for reading as always, wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day if you celebrate and a Happy Early New Micro Moon!
why dont cha?