Discover more from baddie 5000 the newsletter
i'm doing abundantly better than the knicks🗽
I almost changed the title of this email but then I realized I wasn’t necessarily concerned with offending those sweaty millionaires 💅🏿
Are sports even real? This week someone leaked a document which is prolly fake but clearly shows the whole NBA is a shamdemic.
Been traveling for a minute but I’m back in the city for now. Here’s a New York Ramble, no Central Park 🗽
This week Roc Nation wrote an open letter read by our rolling eyes, regarding their bid to build a casino in Times Square. As if the area couldn’t get more psychotic, Jay-Z and co. would like to add more insanity in the name of gambling gains.
Promising $115 million to “diverse theater programs that include daycare for Broadway workers,” the letter suggests that the casino would benefit the lives of everyday New Yorkers…but yet mentions nothing of how to lower our damn rent.
Jay-Z and Beyonce made headlines the other day by purchasing the most expensive home in California history ($200 mil) so it’s not like they need the money. What if they built houses for those without them, who live in Times Square? Too much like doing the right thing?
The sole benefit here is that Times Square will no longer just be insufferable because it’s too crowded, it will be insufferable because it’ll be sad. Casinos and buffets are some of the saddest structures, but also the best places to watch civilization wrestle with demons. Will I be able to vape in there, and will the D’usse be on the house?
Mixxy NYC mayor Eric Adams usually shows up rabidly to every event…but I guess funerals are where he draws the line. Jordan Neely was laid to rest on Friday and Adams didn’t show. It’s not as if he would be welcomed.
Adams took too long to say anything about the situation— as if his words are ever effective or could bring back a life.
Neely’s killer raised 2.6 million in legal donations. One thing about the racists, they’re putting their money where their mouths are— the woke factions need to start breaking bread like they’re breaking the binary.
For some like Al Sharpton (who was naturally present with his permed press n curl) the scenario reminded them of the 1984 Bernie Goetz shooting of 4 black men, who allegedly tried to rob Goetz on the train.
Goetz and Neely’s killer are both weird white dudes from Queens, like Donald Trump. Goetz only did about 8.5 months for the gun. These days Goetz focuses on rescuing squirrels and pigeons around the city.
Speaking of birds, famous avian the Pale Male — a red tailed hawk that served as a local celebrity for those in-tune with nature — has died at 32, we think.
Pale Male lived most of his life at 927 Fifth Avenue and once Mary Tyler Moore and other famous people successfully intervened to get his eviction reversed. What if we did this for human beings?
Pale Male fell in love with a lady hawk named Lola and birdwatchers loved to stalk them and make up potentially false narratives about their lives... like we do about celebrities on Instagram. Lola died and Pale Male ended up having 23 children since her death.
Hawks don’t usually make it to 30, and bird “experts” don’t even know if it’s been the same bird the whole time, but we all just need something (especially about other people’s lives) to believe in.
At least we still have the Puerto Rican peacock, Raul 🦚 that escaped from the Bronx Zoo last month… but don’t worry he’s back behind bars.
Sometimes, we need need to get away for a moment.
New York City is apparently sinking under its’ own weight.
This could all be avoided if we stop building all these goofy ass buildings. They don’t even look good and plus “offices” are an outdated concept.
The only way to work is: from home in your panty with a double espresso, both a sparkling and still water & an incense unfurling in the air.
New Moon in Taurus.
The New Moon arrived on Friday so I’ve been focused on various modes of fruitful stability. They say you should talk to yourself like the people on the MTA about what you want to bring forth:
*I am abundantly more successful than the Knicks
*The probability of my potential is overpopulated like Times Square
*I am not sinking under the weight of the skyscrapers that are my dreams
Thank you for rocking out for 25 whole volumes!
If you’re new here, dig into the archive it’s fire and I don’t lie.
If this collection of words impacted you and you’d like to impact me…consider buying me a coffee or whateva.
Keep up with Baddie5000 on socials to stay sane.
Big up to day 1 Baddie Naomi Zeichner for the shout out in last week’s issue of My Internet 🙏🏿
See you 🔜