🥥 my pronoun is coconut custard pie 🥧
volume 18
I trust you’ve been well in the past six months; but how good could things have been without me?
I’m back and ready to unpack the past week. I feel especially motivated to get up off my ass and work after Kim Kardashian told me to do so…
LATE
KANYE’S EX CALLS ON WOMEN TO GET UP +WORK
Unfortunately I watched her say this on my phone screen as I was sitting down. So did she have a point? Somewhere underneath her annoying voice is the truth: success comes from hard work.
Outraged, many online commenters pointed out how she got where she is from her sex tape as well as stealing over a hundred thousand dollars on Brandy’s moms credit card.
So it’s not just hard work… you also have to lie [down] and steal.
I used to work for the Kardashians (not a flex), and I scammed my way in. Those Armenian media menaces had a short-lived klothing line at Sears kalled the Kardashian Kollection over a decade ago.
I smuggled clean pee into the drug test. Shout out to one of our Baddie5K readers who had clean urine to spare. I kept the contraband pee in a small container wrapped in foil and tucked in between my breasts. The urine has to be warm to pass the test apparently.
So tell me again Kim, how I don’t work hard enough?
CUOMO ASSAULTS BLACK CHURCH
A week ago, our disgraced former gov Andrew Cuomo (who we have ethered in vol 17, vol 16, vol 13 and vol 4) assaulted a black congregation with his presence as they just tried to get their praise on.
There appeared to be 12 people in the room at God’s Battalion of Prayer Ministries in Brooklyn. Cuomo spoke endlessly with a nose as red as marinara about being cancelled. He placed blame on his victims, the Democrats but never himself.
Cancel culture is kind of annoying though. We live in a time where Aretha Franklin would probably be cancelled for a song like “Natural Woman.” O_o
People quickly criticized Cuomo for crashing church to which he responded in colloquial black online language: “I said what I said.”
No matter how many blacks you hang out with Cuomo(or any of you)…you will never be more succinctly shady than a black woman. I’ll leave you with Attorney General Letitia James’ response to this all:
NEITHER HERE NOR THERE
COVID IS OVER?
No offense, but I feel like COVID disappeared too fast. I could quarantine for another year or so. The “back to work” rollout is bustling through too quickly for me, wasn’t we just in a panoramic? Now all of a sudden we don’t have to wear masks?
Your mayor Eric Adams, similar to Kim Kardashian…says it’s time to go back to work AKA risk your life on these unsafe streets!
There are hammer attacks on the train every week and body parts popping up all over the city…. plus yesterday two white women got stabbed at the MoMa. When Caucasian women are in danger…we’re all in danger. I miss the curfew.
It is good that less people are sick and dying though.
RIP CHARLES ENTENMANN
Of course it’s sad when people die…but it’s also great that people have lived.
Charles Entenmann like the desserts passed away in February but we’re just hearing about it now.
Kind of like MF DOOM or the Bank Panther (director Ryan Coogler) who got mistaken for a robber in Feb (even though he’s rich) but we’re just hearing it now.
I lied (key to success) and teased a return to this newsletter by promising to discuss Coogler …but I’m not not going to, because I decided I don’t care.
But I do care about Entenmann’s. Charles’ father William started the company in 1898 where all good things come from…Brooklyn on Rogers Avenue.
As the title of this newsletter alludes to, Entenmann’s Coconut Custard Pie is a major part of who I am but they’ve discontinued it. Ever since then, I’ve been lost on a personal level.
I want to take this time to acknowledge all of the fallen snacks of the Entenmann’s brand… that Charles won’t even eat in heaven, because he didn’t even like desserts!
GREAT
I feel like most of the topics I’ve discussed haven’t been black specific which is upsetting me and my homegirls so the two great things of the week will be:
LIL DURK IS AN ICON
The man from Michelle Obama’s block brought a million dollars cash to his A Million Dollars Worth of Game interview which itself has over two million views.
Not to mention, his album 7220 (named after his grandmother’s address so it was bound to succeed) will be #1 on the charts this week:
Durk let us know that his record label gave him some change:
It’s not just these incredible numbers that make Durk special… it’s all the scary statistics stacked against him. 101 people have been killed in Chicago already in 2022. This could’ve easily been him…but thankfully it’s not.
Recently his brother D Thang and his cousin and fellow iconic Chicago rapper King Von (who also has a new album) were both murdered. Now Durk’s been taunted on a daily basis online to avenge his losses. He claims it doesn’t bother him, but I feel like it does.
He speaks about this in his harrowing-but-hot single, “AHHH HA”
He’s at the height of his career now, but that’s where problems seem to find you the most.
You’ll recall him and his fiancé India got into a full on shoot out recently, which we discussed in vol 14. Because he lives his raps he speaks about it on a song appropriately titled “Shootout @ My Crib.”
The most touching line of the song to me, “been through all kind of shit, bro died on dialysis.” I felt that.
The album is a solid effort, and I’m very happy for him. It is my hope that kids growing up in Chicago will look to him, and pursue a career in the arts at the very least. He’s inspiring to even a lil writer like me. He’s a vision...you can really make millions off of metaphors.
NICKI MINAJ SAYS FUCK VOGUE! I AGREE
Okay so she didn’t necessarily say that, but that was the underlying point I understood. In an interview with Joe Budden, Onika calls out the dusty magazine by saying that both her and Lil Kim should’ve been on the cover.
There’s no way she wasn’t going to say herself…but points was made.
Lil Kim and Nicki Minaj along with many other black women… have consistently been the moment without proper documentation.
Kim is arguably the reason why a generation of black women felt like they belonged in designer clothing. Her and Foxy Brown.
Nicki is influential too. She did the colored hair (after Kim but) during a time when it wasn’t really cool. In fact, she looked like a clown! But now it’s in.
Vogue never makes black women look good when we’re on the cover.
Recently a few of ya’ll was gagging over a British Vogue cover with a few blacks girls painted in black paint, with the lighter skinned black in the middle.
I was embarrassed for ya’ll for liking it, the models for taking part and Vogue for orchestrating that mess. This is black fetishization.
Even if artificial…at the very least it was blacker than the typical “BIPOC representation” aka Black Erasure.
Anyway, thanks for reading. As always feel free to Buy Me A Coffee?
Will I return next week? If I feel like it.
XO
the almond danish ring was my shit! welcome back, missed your perspective!
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